


The Eccedentesiast

by Nameless_Hanna



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Oikawa Tooru, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of sad songs-like LP and tøp, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:20:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23976637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nameless_Hanna/pseuds/Nameless_Hanna
Summary: Tooru's day was like any other day. He woke up shaken up by his dreams (those stupid dreams), jogged to school, attended his stupid classes like he meant it, and then went to practice. Nothing out of ordinary.Or so that's what people saw.He's a natural at hiding his feelings. He doesn't even need to try. He almost forgets about the lingering pain in his chest.But, no one would believe what he’s up to when he’s alone.Eccedentesiast (n.):Someone who hides pain behind a smile.TRIGGER WARNING:please don't read if mentions of self harm and depression might trigger you
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 137
Kudos: 646





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this a year ago, and i wasn't sure if i should keep writing or drop it  
> So i decided to post it to see if anyone likes it, if i get readers I'll finish it...if not, well, i can drop it with no what-ifs
> 
> Please comment and review! If you like or dislike it, tell me why! :)

Tooru's day was like any other day. He woke up shaken up by his dreams (those _stupid_ dreams), jogged to school, attended his stupid classes like he meant it, and then went to practice. Nothing out of ordinary.

Or so that's what people saw.

He's a natural at hiding his feelings. He doesn't even need to try. He almost forgets about the lingering _pain_ in his chest. He just sometimes finds himself sighing too much; because the deep breath stops the pain for a short second. He didn't try to stop that part(doesn't matter everyone can hear him sigh, just this second-of-no-pain matters.) he keeps smiling, and pretends those are happy sighs, like he's happy about a progress they've made, or just for playing volleyball in general.

He keeps the smile on even when he's home. Greets his family, eats with them, then goes to his room...

And that's when it starts.

It's quiet. A perfect opportunity for his thoughts to come back full force. He doesn't even know if he hates that moment- You know, like when you're finally able to let your mind go everywhere freely-. Except his mind goes places he doesn't like.

He lies in his bed, eyes unseeing, body shaking, mind a mess. That's when he usually starts breathing heavily, and tears roll down his cheeks unstoppably. But apparently not today. All he feels is _emptiness_. Like this missing hole everyone describes. And it _hurts_. A lot. He really doesn't know what to do about it.

And this makes him angry.

He wants to scream, but he knows he can't; His family's out there. And the house is quiet because they don't want to disturb him while he "studies".

He punches his pillow instead. (Really, he needs to give his bed a rest.) But that doesn't work either. (And he definitely won't punch the wall _again_ , it hurt like a bitch) attacking his pillow never works.

The problem is he's angry at himself -he really wants to blame someone else but who?-, for being like _this_. For _feeling_ like this. He hates himself for not being able to stop this feeling. ' _Idiot. Idiot. Stupid fool. Such a fucking idiot._ ' He repeats and pulls at his hair. Tears are still not coming.

He really doesn't want to do this.

He reaches the drawer beside his bed, searches it a little to find the small broken razor blade he keeps in there. He stares at the smooth metal in his palm. That thing has been a close friend to him lately...or pretty much his enemy.

He really tried to stop, but then stopped _trying_.

It was hard at first; he was scared. But after the first cut it became clear to him there's nothing to be scared about (except anyone seeing his wounds, he's actually scared of that. So he always makes sure they're covered by his shorts when he's playing) he picks up a tissue, too, just to be prepared.

He looks down at his thighs. The one-month-old scars are turning a light brown, last week's are pink, and the newer ones are a scarlet red. Seeing this view is 90% why he's doing this. He loves the sight. They are actual, real, physical scars. Scars he can see. Unlike the thousand scars on his heart no one can see. So no one knows he is a human with problems too, not just a good-looking athlete with lots of fans. They're proof for his pain.

So he always made sure his thighs never completely healed. He'd go crazy if there wasn’t any wound to see. He'd actually panic. So he never tried to stop, ever again.

He starts with a short split. Then the cuts become deeper, longer, more in number... until it's bruised and hurts too much to continue. So he wipes the blood, and hides the tissue in his bag pocket to throw it away later. (He doesn't risk his mom seeing that)

Tooru wipes his wet nose with the back of his hand, takes a deep breath, picks up a textbook and starts doing his homework with a clear mind. It's always like this; He acts like nothing happened, even though no one's around. But he has to pretend for his own sake. If he kept thinking, he'd literally go insane this time.

So he finishes his day like any other day. Does his homework, listens to music, thinks a little more, and then sleeps.

And dreams. His subconscious reminding him of things he refuses to think about when he's conscious.


	2. Chapter 2

Tooru tries not to think about whatever the hell he was dreaming about before he woke up. But nope. Of course he remembers it. _There was blood. And there was...there was him and...and..._

' _NO! I'm not thinking about that.'_

Tooru shakes his head to stop thinking, and concentrates on brushing his teeth. He's a bit late already for morning practice. Yay, another day of mental torture.

When he reaches the gym door, he sighs, puts on his best smile, and then steps in. Everyone is already there...except for Kyoutani, obviously.

"Morning guys!" he greets while changing his shoes. There are "hi"s and "morning Oikawa"s here and there. Most of them are doing stretches but some have already finished doing that and are playing in the court.

"You’re late." Yahaba says.

Tooru looks up at him from where he's kneeling, "Yeah, by ten minutes." He says, then stands up and adds with a big grin, "Y'all should say 'excellent job' to my poor alarm for being able to wake me up today! I was asleep like a rock..."

Everyone give him their usual disappointed looks and this makes Tooru's smile go even bigger. But Iwaizumi isn't, he notices, he's looking at Tooru weirdly. Tooru doesn't understand the look, but he shrugs it off and starts warming up.

Thank goodness today's Friday. He definitely isn't going to do damn practice tomorrow. He wants a full weekend for himself. Not that it's safe for him to spend so much alone time with himself... but still...

He shakes these thoughts away, not a good time for those...dark _things_ to cross his mind. Iwaizumi's still looking at him that weird way, so he should be careful not to show anything's that going through his mind.

Tooru sees Kyoutani, he's finally there and he's already flirting with Yahaba (not that Tooru can hear them, he just can _tell_ ) he smiles and shakes his head. _'Those two.'_

He takes a look at Iwa, thanks goodness he's not staring anymore. Tooru was getting close to the edge. Iwa's presence (his "magnetic field") is enough to make him a nervous, sweaty mess, now let alone his gaze, his _weird and intense_ gaze. He hopes there's nothing serious behind that. He should just ignore it for now.

Tooru waits for everyone to finish wearing their uniforms so he can do too, since he's obviously not getting undressed in front of them. His fresh wounds burn because of sweat, and whenever his shorts brush against them it feels like they're brushing his _soul_. But he's used to that, he doesn't mind it. He hates the waiting, though.

He pretends he's busy drying himself off and drinking water so no one asks him what he's waiting for, when Iwaizumi approaches him. He gives Iwa _the_ _smile_.

"Hey, Oikawa," He starts softly.

"Hey," Tooru replies, he drops his towel and gives Iwa his full attention.

"Wanna go out tonight? Mattsun and Makki just asked me to go, and I said I’d go if you're also going." Iwa explained.

Tooru's heart is doing back flips when Makki calls out, "bring your fake ID!"

Iwaizumi smirks. Tooru smirks in return, "sure." He says.

Iwaizumi smiles genuinely and taps his shoulder, "I’ll pick you up." He says before leaving the gym.

They do this sometimes. Since he's the captain and lets them break the rules sometimes. Fake ID's mean clubs, and clubs mean liquor, and Tooru really wants some. Self-harming is worse or getting wasted? He can't decide.

Tooru doesn't have time to start his usual self-pitying tonight, he should be ready right after dinner 'cause Iwa is coming to pick him up. He's too nervous. He shouldn't be! Who the hell gets nervous about going out with their best friend?? ' _Iwa-Chan will definitely get suspicious! He'll see through this!_ '

Tooru has to talk himself into going. But then, when Iwaizumi calls and says he'll be there in 10, Tooru knows he can't say no to a night with him. He still enjoys their time together. Even if it's a little painful and his heart beats too fast all the time.

Life was easier when he didn't know about his feeling for Iwaizumi. Ignorance _is_ such bless.

Tooru sighs a few times and checks his reflection in the mirror again. Should he wear a less revealing jean? His black skinnies show off his butt and legs. Maybe a bit too much? But this was the only thing that fit the tight navy blue button-up he's wearing. He looks down at his black boots; well, at least he doesn't doubt those. He touches his wild hair again. He didn't even try to take care of them; their natural state is good enough. He's got eyeliner around his eyes, but that's his only make up. He doesn't need anything else anyway.

He was still trying to figure out if his pants are the right choice when he heard the honking of Iwa's car.

He sighs again and wears his coat, too late for any change of mind. He picks up his keys and sneaks out of the house.

Tooru walks toward the car, Makki and Mattsun are sitting in the backseat, so he has to go sit in the passenger seat.

"Hi bitches!" he says loudly.

Iwaizumi shakes his head, "Hey, Oikawa." He says with a smile. Tooru smiles back unconsciously.

"Oooh, get a room you two!" Hanamaki laughs. Tooru flushes furiously. Shit, he was giving Iwa _the eyes_ again.

"Not everyone is as gay as you." Iwaizumi says and rolls his eyes.

Tooru sighs. It's going to be a frustrating night. "Is it only the four of us?" he asks.

"Of course," Mattsun answers, "we’re the only third years…the others are underage!" He and Makki giggle.

Tooru chuckles. He's really jealous of them (nah, he's actually happy for his friends), cause they have a _requited_ _love_ for their teammates! He can only dream of having that. He sighs. If only...

Ah damn. His sighing has caught Iwaizumi's attention. Well, he's definitely doomed now. He tries to act natural, and not like a criminal caught red-handed. But thinking of that only makes him sigh again. Shit.

Now Iwaizumi is surely shocked.

"Is everything alright, Oikawa?" Makki asks and slides forward in his seat to see Oikawa better. Well, looks like Iwa is not the only one who noticed.

"What? Why do you ask?" Tooru tries to sound sincere.

"I...I don't know...just..."

"What he's trying to say is; we've heard you sigh like a thousand times. Is something bothering you?" Iwaizumi says instead, and Makki nods.

Tooru fights the urge to sigh again, and almost fails. He honestly has nothing to say. He should've prepared a lie; it was obvious this moment would come.

He sighs on purpose this time, "it's just become a habit...or something. I don't know. Just... nothing's wrong." He says. He sounds unconvincing even to his own ears. But that doesn't matter; the truth is not something they can force out of him.

"Are you sure?" this time Mattsun says, Tooru can hear the worry in his voice.

"Sure! Don't worry guys, everything is fine." He smiles and shakes his hands in the air, "I’m just exhausted, we should've picked tomorrow night to go out."

Tooru doesn't miss the look Iwaizumi gives the other two from the rearview mirror.

Damn. Now he's anxious. He tries to slow down his heart with no avail. He just hopes his inner fight isn't showing in his face. He's shooting everyone his normal charming-smile, but maybe something's wrong about it? He sure as hell hopes not. _He shouldn't have come!_

"Dammit Oikawa, even I want to tap that ass." Makki says when they get off the car, a little bit too obviously checking Tooru out.

Tooru rolls his eyes, "Even YOU? Dude, you're as gay as my rainbow gummies."

"I may be gay," Makki starts VERY seriously, "But I have eyes for my man only. So if you were able to catch MY attention..."

"Only proofs I’m better looking than _your_ _man_." Tooru interrupts with a smirk.

Iwaizumi and Mattsun laugh at Makki's annoyed expression.

"I don't even feel offended," Mattsun says between giggles, "seeing his face worth it." He kisses Makki's pouting lips as an apology.

Tooru takes a moment to watch Iwaizumi. He is hot without putting much effort into it. He's wearing dark blue jeans, black button up with a jacket on top. His hair is a bit tidier than usual, and he looks _hot_. Tooru has to remind himself to breath. This is going to make it even harder.

When they sit next to the bar, Tooru asks for their most strong liquor, and he doesn't care if it tastes like shit, so long there are strawberries on it. Everyone gives him weird looks, but he smirks like it's a challenge.

The cuts on his thigh still burn, so he knows he wouldn't have done anything even if he was home. But he still wants to-needs to- forget. He presses against where he knows the wounds lay on his thighs, he wants to make it hurt. It wakes him up, like regaining self-control. It reminds him to smile, not to let his face go blank, exactly like how he's feeling. Empty.

Their drinks finally come. Tooru tastes his carefully, it's not too horrible. Like any other alcohol, they never taste good it's all lies.

He takes his time anyway, and tries not to down the damn thing in one go. He doesn't want to die like this. ( _like this_ being the keyword)

Matsukawa and Hanamaki are busy flirting and touching, Tooru knows there's going to be a... more 'erotic' scene when their drinks start kicking in. He looks forward to it and hates it at the same time.

"Oikawa?" Iwaizumi's voice is soft, so are his eyes.

"Yeah?" Tooru says loud enough to be heard over the music.

"Are...are you ever gonna tell me what's wrong?" Iwaizumi says. He smiles when Tooru only stares, "I can tell you've been off lately."

"I'm...I'm not..." Tooru tries, but Iwa cuts him off.

"Give me some credit, Oikawa. We grew up together; you should know I can tell by now when you're just faking every single smile, and when they're genuine." He's eyes are intense and searching, "I just want you to know that you can trust me, okay?"

Tooru nods. He can't talk, his tongue is locked. Iwa nods too.

"I'll wait, if you're not ready yet," Iwaizumi says, his voice strong, Tooru will never be able to say no to that voice. Iwa reaches his hand and places it on Tooru's thigh, right where his fresh wounds lay. But it doesn't hurt, his touch is light and caring and warm. "But promise me, promise me you will eventually."

Tooru's barely stopping his body from shaking. He normally would've flinched away as soon anyone touched his wounds, but right now he wants to melt under the touch. It's like they don't even burn anymore...

"Tooru?" Iwaizumi's voice when he said the name makes Tooru's heart clench.

"Yes, Iwa-Chan, I promise," he finally blurts out. Dammit, how hard is it to say a single sentence??

Iwaizumi nods firmly and removes his hands. All of Tooru's insides protest, but he covers it with his glass.

' _Well of course Iwa-Chan noticed! What else did I expect?_ '

He finishes his drink faster than he had planned, but he doesn't care. He's finally starting to feel light. Wow, that thing _was_ strong...all it took was one shot.

"Oikawa! Let's do something. These two are not fun to be around, at all." Iwaizumi shouts over the music, or maybe he's trying his damnedest to let Makki and Mattsun hear them. And they do.

"Hey!" Hanamaki has to pull away from Mattsun to say this, (maybe that was the plan) and Mattsun groans in protest.

Tooru laughs, "Well he's right! You two keep doing...your thing, please, don't let us _disturb_."

They both give him dirty eyes before going back to eating each other's faces. Iwaizumi shakes his head, but he's smiling. Tooru eats a strawberry, the sweet taste a relief, and stares at Iwa.

He's so _beautiful_ when he smiles. The smile in his hard face is like a flower in the middle of a desert: lively and surprisingly pretty.

Iwaizumi notices his lingering gaze, but his smile doesn't falter. Tooru looks away anyway, feeling the heat rising in his body. He hopes Iwa can't see the blush in his cheeks.

"Say, Oikawa," Iwaizumi starts.

"Hmm?"

"Is it volleyball related?"

"What?" Tooru asks before understanding what he's talking about, "No, of course not! I only stay sad for a week, at most, after a loss." He explains.

"Good," Iwaizumi nods his head. He takes a sip of his drink, his eyes stare into the space for a moment before saying, "I really wanna take a photo of them."

The sudden change of subject startles Tooru, but then he laughs and picks up his phone to take a photo of Mattsun and Makki making out.

"Damn right, Iwa-Chan! That's one of the best things I have in my phone now." Tooru says excitedly.

Iwaizumi smirks and keeps sipping his drink.

The night goes on like this, they keep a normal conversation like always, talk about everything and nothing. He drinks more –not too strong anymore– but tries not to lose control, he's worried he might say something he doesn't want to if he's wasted. He thought that's what he needed, but he was wrong.

He didn't need alcohol to forget, he needed Iwaizumi. Iwa has noticed he isn't feeling well lately, so he tries hard to make him forget whatever is troubling him. Says silly jokes, asks about things he knows excite Tooru, makes fun of their friends who are trying to devour each other (in _public_ ), he even gives him his rare, beautiful smiles.

And that's enough to make Tooru so happy he wants to cry.

He has _this_. He's lucky to have this. Why can't he be happy with it? Why is his heart asking for more? Why can't he enjoy his time with someone he loves, just because he's being a greedy, little shit?

He hates his heart.

Tooru and Iwaizumi eventually decide they have to stop those two long enough to be able to get them home. Iwaizumi keeps threatening them _not to spill anything filthy_ _in my car_ and _DO NOT throw up_. Tooru can't help but laugh. He's cute even when he's frustrated.

But they both know neither Makki nor Mattsun is that drunk, -They were busy drinking each other to have time for drinks- they just want an excuse to be all over each other. And why not let them have that joy?

So thankfully, no one throws up, and no one... eh, _spills anything filthy_ in the car.

Iwaizumi had to stay sober ‘cause he's the one doing the driving. Tooru himself doesn't know how he feels. He's a bit dizzy, but not drunk enough to lose control, or pass out. So sadly, he's awake. He rests his head on the window and stares out. It's a peaceful atmosphere, no sound except for the car engine's and everyone's soft breathing.

He's heart feels heavy. Tonight was another reminder why he loves Iwaizumi so much; and it helps but it's also _painful_. It helps because he has an excuse: _who could not fall in love if they were in my place??_

He also wants to punch Iwaizumi for being so kind with him. But he knows deep down, that if Iwa just started to treat him like shit, he'd still love him as much. Maybe even more, for how humans are towards anyone who mistreats them: you get to respect them more.

Everything is so confusing.

Tooru feels his insides burn. The nausea he's feeling isn't because of the liquor.

He jerks out of his thoughts when he feels a hand on his thigh–Iwaizumi's again. The pain subdues at once.

"Don't think." Iwa says softly, "It'll be alright. Just relax, okay? It's gonna be alright."

He’s a little drunk, so full of love for this guy beside him, and tears are welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall.

So maybe that's why, he tells himself, he couldn't stop the "I love you" slipping out of his mouth.

But he doesn't know why the "I love you, too" Iwaizumi told him didn't sound right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know anything about how legal age works in Japan... and i liked to think the third years are 18 (was needed for the plot) humor me


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had no idea how old Takeru is, so i went for 10-12

“TOORU! Wake up. How much are you gonna sleep? You missed breakfast already.” Tooru’s mom calls out and knocks his door.

Tooru cracks open an eyelid, but closes it again as soon as the sunlight hits his eye.

“Alright, mom! I’m getting up.” Tooru groans in his pillow. He hears his mom shuffling away.

He really doesn’t want to get up.

Even though he hates his dreams, they’re most certainly better than dealing with real life. He’s got nothing to do today, and how much studying can he do in one day? He doesn’t feel like it. He wants to stay home, but…

He sighs and this time actually opens his eyes. He has to put an effort into getting up, his body’s achingly numb.

‘ _Well, last night was a disaster._ ’ He says to himself when last night’s events come back to him.

“Life is a bitch.” He mutters, and then gets up to wash up.

He always tries to deal with any awkward, cringey memory like this: laughs at himself and makes jokes about it. But then, he can’t stop the self-loathing that fills his body, he starts clawing at his hair and face and everything else he puts his hands on.

He has to stop it though, for now, he’s eating in the kitchen so his mom might see him.

“Ah by the way, Tooru-Chan, Takeru is coming over to see you today.” His mom says.

“What?” Tooru’s hand freezes in its way towards his mouth, “Why?”

“Oh, I just told them you were home, and he was happy you have a free weekend so you can finally spend some time together.” She replies brightly.

“ _Finally_? Mom, we spend time together _a lot_.” He whines.

She pats his back with a surprising amount of force, “Well, it’s because you’re such a good uncle that he can’t get enough of you!” she says with a big smile, wrinkled eyes and all.

“MOM,” Tooru whines again. His mom laughs, which sounds a lot like an evil laugh, and starts working again.

It’s not like he minds Takeru being around, he’s just not feeling like it. If his nephew was a little older, Tooru thinks, he could vent to him and use some advice. But he’s just a kid, Tooru can’t put him through that; talk to him about his secret man-crush who happens to be his childhood friend? Nope.

He sighs and tries to finish his breakfast. But Takeru can be a good distraction. Tooru knows it’s good for him, he knows he shouldn’t be on his own for long. But he can’t help craving it.

With another sigh, he decides not to overthink it and just try to enjoy whatever Takeru’s going to put him through today.

When Takeru arrives, they immediately go sit in the play room, where they always spend their times together. Tooru’s mom keeps it especially for them. Both of them love the play station and video games, and they have lots of movies and animes to watch.

They decide to play some game, Tooru doesn’t really care what. So he keeps losing.

After half an hour of poorly playing, Takeru finally puts his controller down and says impatiently, “Are you alright, Tooru?”

“I am.” Tooru says around a sigh. He places his chin in his palm and puts his elbow on the arm of the couch.

“Dude, anyone can tell something’s wrong with you, you know that right?”

“Why is it obvious?” Tooru complains, pouting.

“First of all, you’re unusually quiet. I mean, you keep losing without being a little shit about it and swearing revenge!”

Tooru can’t really argue with that.

“Is it about girls?” Takeru asks after a few minutes of silence. He sounds disgusted about it. “You didn’t seem fazed when your girlfriend broke up with you.”

Tooru decides to be honest. A little bit of talking won’t hurt, right?

“No… it was just the title ‘girlfriend’, so everyone could say “oh Oikawa has a girlfriend!”. There was not a lot of touching and very little amount of kissing. I never really showed her much affection, you know?” he says quietly, “That’s actually why she broke up with me.” he adds after a moment

“And why is that? From what I’m hearing, you shouldn’t be sad about it.” When Tooru only stares at him dumbly, he keeps talking, “I’m sure if you liked her even just a little bit, you would’ve showed her affection. So if you didn’t like her at all, breaking up with her shouldn’t upset you.”

Damn the kid is smart. “Um, yes, I just said that that’s not it…”

“Then, what’s the case?” he looks at Tooru with narrowed eyes, “And tell me the truth.”

Tooru finally loses his patience. “Well that’s exactly the problem! I don’t like girls- I _can’t_ like girls!” he exclaims, voice louder than he intended to. He hopes no one heard that.

“Well, can you like boys?” Takeru asks calmly. Tooru looks at him with wide eyes.

“Yeah…I guess so.” He finally responds in a small voice.

“Then you can be with a boy; and you won’t have to be alone.” Takeru says slowly, he probably thinks Tooru’s worried about having to be single all his life. “You can have a boyfriend and all that, right? I don’t think all your fans are girls; there are probably boys who would kill for you…”

“OK, OK stop!” Tooru interrupts, squeezing his eyes shut, he shakes his hands. “How do you even know about these?”

“Of course I know. I’m not a baby.” he says, “And my mom watches gay movies all the time.”

“And she lets you see them?!” Tooru shouts, horrified.

Takeru looks at him like his face is covered in shit. “No she doesn’t, obviously! But I still see her watch them when she thinks I’m asleep.”

Tooru pinches the bridge of his nose. “Seriously, nee-chan…you gotta be more careful,” he mutters to himself.

“Now forget about that,” Takeru interrupts his mumbling, “That’s what’s troubling you? I mean, I really don’t understand, but I get it if you’re worried about other’s reactions…”

Tooru doesn’t say anything. Takeru’s making a thinking face, and Tooru can tell when he’s got an idea immediately the way his face brightens.

“NO WAIT! I get it!” he stands up in excitement, “You do like a boy! A specific one,”

Right now Tooru REALLY wants to disappear. He’s relieved Takeru found out by himself so he doesn’t have to say it, on the other hand, terrified that he _actually found out._

“WHAT?!” he yells with exaggerated dread in his eyes.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Takeru sits down again. He looks at Tooru’s flushed face and wide eyes, and he smiles. “Don’t worry I can keep it a secret if you want to.” He says.

Tooru wants to know why this kid is so _calm_. He’s sure a grown up would’ve freaked out about it, and would have started bombarding him with questions. So, he’s kind of happy his first coming out is to his little nephew. He shoots Takeru a small smile.

“Yeah… I’m kind of having a hard time getting over it. I just can’t seem to forget it and just… _move on_.” He finds himself talking about it so easily.

“Move on? Why do you want that?” Takeru asks, looking confused.

Tooru smiles sadly, “Because I have to. I don’t think…I’m just sure it’s one sided. I just can’t tell him.” He explains. Saying it makes it hurt even more. Goddammit his chest feels like it’s on fire.

“Why are you so sure?” Takeru asks, shocked. “You just gonna give up? Are you… are you for real?”

First thing that comes to Tooru’s mind: _what the hell is this kid saying?_

Tooru’s still staring at him, dumbfounded, when there’s a knock on the door.

“Boys, I have snacks for you!” Tooru’s mom sings before coming in. She walks happily towards where they’re sitting and puts a tray on the table in front of them. She doesn’t seem to notice the tense atmosphere, “Having a good time?” she asks Takeru with a smile.

“Yes, Grandma, thank you,” he replies, and then he sees the snacks. “Oh! Potato chips! Thanks again, Granny!” he chirps, then kisses his Grandma on the cheek.

“You’re welcome dear. Enjoy!” she says cheerfully before going out again.

Takeru practically attacks the tray; he picks up fistfuls of chips and slurps his juice. Tooru shakes his head, but he smiles and starts eating too.

“I just hate it when you’re like this, Tooru,” Takeru says after swallowing his mouthful of juice. Tooru only shoots him a curious look and wipes his mouth. Takeru sighs, “What I’ve always admired about you is that you never quit. But right now all I see in your face is ‘ _defeat’_ ”

Tooru is so shocked he can’t say a word. He was around Takeru since he was born, but the fact that this kid pays so much attention is just unexpected. And then, Takeru starts babbling.

“I always hated the way characters behave in romantic animes! They’re like… _obsessed_. I hate it when they don’t appreciate the people who actually love them and just pine over someone else… But no, what annoys me more is they just don’t go ahead and tell their special one how they feel. I mean, _maybe they feel the same way you dumbass! Make a move._ God, I really don’t want to be like that when I grow up.” He gives Tooru a death glare that pins him in place, “I can’t believe _my own uncle_ is doing the same thing. Like, _for real?!_ I always thought you were cool, ‘cause you’re brave. But are you? Urgh!”

Tooru is stopping himself from shaking; _Takeru looks fucking scary!_ But he gains his composure, clears his throat and puts on a serious face, “You don’t understand us grown-ups…”

But he’s interrupted when Takeru literally smacks him across the nape.

“You’re still 18, Mr. Grown-up!” he shouts and pinches Tooru’s arm.

“But 18 _is_ adult!” Tooru whines.

In a second, Takeru is letting him go, and his serious expression is back.

“I’m serious, Tooru. You always had confidence. Just be like that again. I don’t know who this guy you like is, but I dislike him for changing you.”

“It’s not his fault…” Tooru complains.

“Don’t defend him!” he warns, but then keeps talking like he wasn’t interrupted, “Even though, tell him how you feel.”

“I already did.” Tooru shocks himself and Takeru by saying this.

“Wha-what did he say?” Takeru asks with wide eyes.

“He didn’t get it,” Tooru wraps his arms around himself, voice dropping; “He thought I meant it like friends. And I- I didn’t try to explain it.”

Takeru just hugs him from where his sitting without saying anything. His body is small, not strong enough to stop him from shaking; but still, Tooru doesn’t mind, he just needs the warmth- No, _craves it_. He can’t get it from the one he wants, so he has to find it somewhere else. Right now, his nephew’s hug is enough to sooth his aching heart a little bit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 15/11:  
> beautiful art work made for this chapter by [ Anya ](https://www.instagram.com/world_of_art4ever/) : [ (X) ](https://s17.picofile.com/file/8414012992/The_Eccedentesiast_CH4_by_world_of_art4ever.bmp)

Sometimes-like now- Tooru loses control of where his thoughts are taking him. He can’t help but stare at the thin blade in his hands and think how easy it is to drag it along his vein and just…end this.

Takeru’s been gone for a while now, and Tooru’s alone in his room. He has to admit, Takeru acted like a really good friend, exactly what he didn’t know he needed.

But talking to him was like a massive wake up call. Like he was hoping all of this is a dream and he can wake up any second, but saying everything out loud was like a painful pinch that proved he’s in fact awake.

So he couldn’t stop himself from adding some weird looking wounds to his thighs. He moves his stare to his wrist. The vein is begging to be cut, the pulse to be stopped. He presses down on it with the blade, but not adding any real pressure. He’s mind is unsteady, _like a whirlwind inside of his head_.

The music drumming in his earphones is demanding attention, he stops and listens.

_There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface_  
_Consuming, confusing_  
_This lack of self-control I feel is never ending_  
_Controlling_  
_I can’t seem to find myself again_  
_My walls are closing in…_  
_Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take_  
_I’ve felt this way before, so insecure_  
_Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal_  
_Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real_

He withdraws his hand so fast the blade grazes his skin.

“Shit!” he whispers and covers it with a tissue. It’s nothing serious, but anyone seeing it might think it has been something serious, and this is the last thing he wants.

He thinks about his family, his teammates and friends, and knows in an instant that doesn’t matter how selfish he is, he will never be selfish enough to do this to himself and leave them in their regrets and doubts.

No, he’s never been a quitter and this is not going to change right now.

He’ll live, no matter how much he has to struggle; he’ll stay alive for Iwaizumi. His best friend would suffer as much as his parents would, and he will never willingly cause him any pain.

He squeezes the blade between his thumb and index finger, he’ll be able to stop himself from doing anything life threatening, but he can’t promise he’d be able to stop the self-harming. Not yet.

‘ _Maybe not ever_ ’ he stops the thought before it’s fully shaped.

‘ _I’m my own worst enemy’_ **stop it.**

_It’s easier to run_  
_Replacing this pain with something numb_  
_It’s so much easier to go_  
_Than face all this pain here all alone_

He should listen to different songs…

_The sun goes down. I feel the light betray me. The sun goes down…_

He’s breathing hard. He clutches at his chest, where his heart is aching so much. He tries deep breathes, but the pain doesn’t go away. He’s crying, he can tell by the stinging feeling in his eyes and the wetness he feels on his cheeks.

A tear slips down his chin and lands on his uncovered neck, sliding down his collarbone. He opens his eyes and looks down at it, keep trying to breath. He should drop the blade so he wouldn’t accidently hurt himself when he’s shaking like that. But he can’t. Why isn’t his body obeying him?

His phone starts ringing and brings him back to focus. He stares at the phone that is resting on the nightstand; and he actually has to _think_ what he should do about it. He reaches out slowly, hand shaking, and picks it up; it weighs heavy in his weak hand. He looks at the screen, but his vision is blurry and can’t read the name of the caller. He blinks a few times, and looks more closely; there’s no mistaking the name now.

**Iwaizumi Hajime.**

Tooru knows he shouldn’t answer it. He knows his voice would be shaking if he talks, he’s not even sure he’d be able to form actual sentences. And Iwaizumi would know immediately; he’s so smart and knows Tooru too well.

But the phone doesn’t stop ringing.

He waits for Iwaizumi to stop calling, but right after it stops, he starts calling again. What the hell is going on? Why is he being so stubborn?

After three times, he receives a few texts he doesn’t bother to open, he won’t be able to read them anyway; he can barely see. But this isn’t the end of it. The phone starts ringing again. Then a thought crosses Tooru’s mind, ‘ _if I don’t pick up right now, he’ll call our home number and tell my mom to make me talk to him! I can’t let my mom see me like this!_ ’

So he clears his throat, and hits the green button, “Hello?”

“Shit, Oikawa! Why weren’t picking up? Never do that again!” he says through a sigh, he sounds relieved and worried at the same time. “Are you there? Oikawa, where are you?” he says when Tooru doesn’t talk again.

“I- I’m home?” his reply sounds more like a question.

“We’ve been texting you for ages but you never replied, you never do that. Are you alright?”

Tooru’s head feels dizzy. Hearing Iwaizumi’s voice is making him ache, but in a good way. It’s calming; he wishes it wasn't shaking with worry. He hates hearing him like that…

Then it hits him _he_ should be the one putting those worries away.

“Oh…I’m sorry Iwa-chan, Takeru was here so I wasn’t paying attention to my phone.” He manages to say as normally as he can.

Iwaizumi is quiet. Tooru can hear him breath heavily, and that’s what makes him sure he hasn’t hung up.

“Oikawa…” he finally breaks the silence, “What’s going on? You sound so…” he trails off. _Oh of course he noticed_ , Tooru thinks, _I was sure he would._

“How…how do I sound?” Tooru’s voice breaks. He closes his eyes tightly and bites his lip. He curses himself for not being able to feign cheerfulness the way he always does, and curses Iwaizumi for calling him at a moment of weakness.

“Have you been crying?” he asks softly, his kind tone causing a few tears drop from Tooru’s eyes.

“I can’t lie to you, Iwa-chan, you’d see through me; so yes, I have.” He wanted to say _‘I **am** ’_, but says this instead; a small, sad smile tugging at his lips.

He hears shuffling, “Jesus, Oikawa…” Iwaizumi sighs, “Please, _please_ tell me what’s wrong. I’ve been so worried about you I think I might die from a heart attack. Just…just let me help. Don’t cast me out.”

Tooru cries a little more. Quietly enough so Iwaizumi can’t hear him.

“I…I have to go through this on my own. So please, don’t worry about me. It’s _my_ little problem, I can’t drag you in.” he can hardly speak with a steady voice anymore, but he doesn’t seem to be able to stop crying.

“ _Little problem?_ ” Iwaizumi imitates, scoffing, “Is it me? Can you tell someone else about it? I don’t care it’s me or anyone else, just _talk to someone_!”

“I…” Tooru swallows, looking down at his lap, his red bruised thighs catch his attention. Telling someone about those..? “I’ll think about it. Thanks for being so kind, Iwa-chan. But I really can’t talk anymore, so, goodbye.” He hangs up, ignoring Iwaizumi frantically calling his name.

He leaves his phone on the bed, but it doesn’t stop vibrating, this time text messages. He dries his eyes and wipes his nose with a clean tissue. He’s breathing normally now.

He wants to read the texts, he decides, so he picks up his glasses and puts them on; hopefully it’ll stop his headache from getting worse. He hugs his legs to his chest, holding his phone in front of his face.

There are loads of texts in their group chat, some from the other guys like Yahaba and Mattsun, and a lot from Iwaizumi. He doesn’t read the group’s texts, but he starts typing, happy they can’t see or hear him so he can pretend easily.

**> >Hey guys! Thanks and sorry for the concern, but I’m fine**

**> >I was just busy playing with Takeru until an hour or so ago**

**> >and my phone was on silent…sorry haha ‘=)**

**> >but I’m so happy y’all care about me so much :’) I’m flattered ^_^**

As soon as he sends them, everyone who’s online start bombarding texts. He sees a “ARE YOU KIDDING ME SHITTYKAWA?!” and a “I’m definitely killing you.” And maybe “thanks goodness. I was just going to drive to your house”, before tapping Iwaizumi’s name to read his texts.

**< <I’m sorry if I bothered you, but I couldn’t help worrying.**

**< <wanna go out tomorrow? Maybe you could use a distraction**

**< <if you want to be alone that’s ok. I get it.**

Tooru smiles, Iwaizumi always chats so neatly; like he’s writing an essay or something. He types a reply.

**> >alright, I’ll call tomorrow**

He thinks a little before typing another text, deciding he’s being a little too dry.

**> >I appreciate the concern, Iwa-chan. I really do. Thank you.**

He only has to wait a few seconds before his phone is chiming with Iwaizumi’s reply.

**< <I just want you to be ok.**

**< <I’ll be waiting.**

Tooru smiles. He feels kinda bad for doing this to his best friends. He knows how a depressed friend can affect you, it has happened to him before. It was very unpleasant. But knowing he’ll see Iwaizumi tomorrow, _outside of school_ , makes him feel better.

A distraction, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> [ Crawling ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9OhYroLN0)  
> [ Easier To Run ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U5zdmjVeQzE)  
> [ Papercut ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eHECKcnloCE)
> 
> all by Linkin Park


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ready for some Hajime + Tooru time? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

How can he possibly use Iwaizumi’s company as distraction- from what, thinking about Iwaizumi?!

This is totally stupid. He was insane for agreeing.

Tooru starts stressing as soon as he wakes up. _Iwaizumi is waiting for his call!_ When should he call? Did he mean in the morning? Noon? Afternoon? Night? Tooru realizes he's being an idiot for thinking about that, of course Iwaizumi wouldn't care what time Tooru needs him. So with that, he decides he’d call after he's done with breakfast _and_ (most importantly) calming himself. He wants to prove Iwaizumi he's actually not _that_ bad off, even if he is. (‘ _No need for Iwa-chan to worry!_ ’)

He stands in front of his mirror, talking to himself to try and calm down and act like his usual self. He wouldn’t need to do that if he was with anyone else, but that's Iwaizumi...

He’s picked what he wants to wear; now they’re laying readily on his bed. What he should do though, is calling Iwaizumi, but he keeps procrastinating.

He reminds himself of all the times he’s called Iwaizumi, _with no_ good _reason_ that is; like when he called him at 2 am, after watching a very sad movie in which the main characters _died_ and he just couldn’t wait until tomorrow to tell him. Or that one time on Christmas morning (more specifically at 6 am) he called when he was opening his presents. (That time when he couldn’t pick what to wear for a party wasn’t that bad, right? It’s not his fault Iwaizumi was taking an afternoon nap!) There are loads of other times that Iwaizumi has answered with a groan and a ‘what now, Trashkawa?’ that he can’t remember at all.

‘ _Yeah, talking to Iwa-chan on the phone is easy for you, Tooru you dumbass._ ’ He tells himself in the mirror; his reflection glaring at him.

So finally, he takes a very deep breath and picks up his phone, dialing Iwaizumi's number.

"Hello?" Iwaizumi replies, his deep voice sending shivers down Tooru's heart.

"Hi, Iwa-chan, you still up for going out today?" he tries to sound normal, but not too cheerful because Iwaizumi would see through it with no effort.

"Ah, yes. You feeling like it right now?"

"Yup! Let's meet at the park between our houses, then we'll decide where to go from there. Good?"

"Good. See you in an hour." Iwaizumi says, but doesn't hang up despite his dismissive tone. Tooru waits for him to talk, but the only thing he hears is Iwaizumi's even breathing. "Well then, we be better go get ready," he obviously decides to back off for now, and Tooru goes with it.

"Yeah. Bye bye Iwa-chan!" Tooru hangs up before it gets any more awkward and looks over the clothes he's chosen for today once more.

He has to wear a thick watch to hide the cut on his wrist, but not that he'd mind –it's nice actually, he's going to wear dark clothes anyway, so the black watch matches them. He sighs and starts undressing.

He's walking in the park, luckily the weather is nice, he inhales the fresh air when he decides going out wasn't really such a stupid idea. He always loved everything they do with Iwaizumi since he was a kid... He wouldn't have kept him around otherwise. So maybe if he could just accept his not-so-natural feelings for Iwaizumi _at least for a while_ and try to enjoy their day... he could be happy spending time with his best friend who's been with him almost all his life.

He puts his hands in his pockets and sits on a bench, staring at the ground. He frowns and tries to even out his thoughts while waiting for Iwa to arrive. He should be in a good mood before he comes because otherwise Iwaizumi would get worried and the day would be ruined. He mutters a "damn" and starts thinking about new serving methods he should practice later, maybe that would work...

Someone sits beside him on the bench; he startles and looks up to see who it is. The first thing his eyes focus on is olive green eyes; Iwaizumi's.

"Hi. Did I make you wait too long?" he smiles and asks. Tooru eyes the little smile hungrily, unable to stop his own smile.

"Nope! I just got here a few minutes ago. How are you?" he says with a grin and rests his chin on his hand, turning to face Iwaizumi completely.

"Mmm. I'm okay. What about you?" by the look in his eyes, Tooru knows this is not just small talk; Iwaizumi really cares and wants to know if he's better.

Tooru actually takes a moment to think about this; he really _is_ better than last night. He always feels worse at nights when it's quiet and lonely. So right now, being out at a very nostalgic park with the love of his life, in such a nice weather? Definitely good.

He grins and nods, "I'm good! Really better than earlier, Iwa-can, so don't give me that look..." he pouts a little when Iwaizumi gives him a doubtful glare.

Iwaizumi searches his face for a few seconds, and doesn't seem to find anything wrong with it, so he nods his head.

"That's good." He smiles, Tooru beams at him. "So, where do you want to go?"

Tooru shoots up from his seat, "Ice cream!" he says excitedly.

"It's not warm enough to get ice creams, Oikawa, we'll get sick." Iwaizumi shakes his head.

"IT IS! Please Iwa-chan! I want," he gives Iwaizumi his best puppy dog eyes. Iwaizumi doesn't even try to resist, he sighs and stands up, face to face with Tooru.

"Alright, let's go."

Ice cream totally brightens anyone's day in any kind of mood. Tooru devours his in less than two minutes while Iwaizumi's just started tentatively biting his own. He looks at the finishing ice cream in Tooru's hand and his eyes go wide, even though he knows how he is when it comes to sweet things, it still surprises him every time. Tooru grins ear to ear when he sees Iwaizumi's expression.

"Do you need help with yours, Iwa-chan?" he says sweetly.

"Oh stay away from my ice cream, Shittykawa." Iwaizumi warns him seriously. Tooru laughs at his narrowed eyes.

When Iwaizumi's distracted, Tooru takes a bite at his ice cream so fast all Iwaizumi can do is gasp. Tooru starts running and laughing loudly before Iwaizumi can smack him in the head.

After running around the park like a couple of grade school kids, they finally slow down and start walking slowly in a comfortable silence. Iwaizumi finally finishes his half-melted ice cream (grumbling all the while). He looks up at Tooru's face to see him smiling to himself. There's no sign of pain in there, Iwaizumi feels himself relax at the sight. That's what he wanted to see when he came out today.

Suddenly, Tooru holds up his palm, looking at Iwaizumi with a sheepish smile. Iwaizumi doesn't understand and gives Tooru a curious glance.

"Can I... can I hold your hand?" Tooru asks, a little playful but serious at the same time. His need to feel some physical warmth is so hard he thinks his heart might burst. So he thought to himself _'fuck it'_ and asked.

Iwaizumi looks at the hand hovering in front of him. It's just Oikawa's hand, right? Very familiar, he's held it a thousand times, so why is he blushing? Instead of replying, he slowly takes the hand offered to him, holding it by his side.

Tooru's heart might just explode right then and there. Iwaizumi's hand is totally _male_. Like, rough, big and warm. It's so much better than he remembers, they haven't held each other’s hands since they’ve started high school, it felt too awkward (and _worse_ , people might assume _things_ ). But right now, it just feels right and reassuring.

Tooru can cry in happiness when he doesn't feel the sickening pain in his chest, one that hasn't left him in _months_ , anymore. That's what his body, mind, heart, _and_ soul have been craving.

It's kind of sad.

Iwaizumi gives his hand a firm squeeze, Tooru's head shots up to look at him. But Iwaizumi isn't looking at him; Tooru can see his determined and soft features, though. His smile gets bigger, and he forgets the urge to cry. Iwaizumi's doing everything he can to calm him and show him he's there for him.

Huh, well, that might be enough to keep him going for the day. (Yeah, sadly, that's how long any kind of mental support he gets last)

Tooru sees a familiar face, a girl walking towards them. She looks up, her face lighting up when she recognizes Tooru. Ah, one of the girls he kinda likes. Not like _like_ ; she's just friendly and fun to be around, that's it. Tooru feels a little mean when he figures he doesn’t remember her full name, he's always called her Mika-chan.

"Tooru-san!" as soon as she acknowledges them Tooru let's go of Iwaizumi's hand, so she wouldn't make him uncomfortable. Iwaizumi gives him a curious glance but he doesn't look hurt or anything.

"Hi there, Mika-chan! How've you been?" he greets cheerfully.

They make small talk for a few minutes before she looks at Iwaizumi, smiling guiltily.

"Ah, how rude of me, interrupting your date," She tells both of them.

Tooru and Iwaizumi's eyes widen,

"Date?" Tooru asks; an easy smile still on his lips.

"I just saw you holding hands, that's why I thought..."

"Oh that! Old habits die hard, I guess..." Tooru chirps, flipping his hand dismissively. When she gives him a confused look, he explains, "When we were kids Iwa-chan held my hand to stop me from getting lost because I used to wonder off, or whenever I got scared, I would hold his hand."

When Mika looks excited, Iwaizumi looks shocked. The things he said aren't exactly lies, holding Iwaizumi's hand have always made him feel safe.

"Oh that's so sweet, Tooru-san!" she says loudly, holding her hands together. "Well then, don't let me bother you anymore, bye!"

"Bye, Mika-chan!" Tooru says and waves his hands. They keep on walking, Tooru holding Iwaizumi’s hand again, smiling, “I only let you go so you wouldn’t get uncomfortable.” He explains.

Iwaizumi doesn’t say anything to protest, he just nods; looking at Tooru from the corner of his eyes. Thinking that is Oikawa scared now, that’s why he’s holding his hand?

The rest of their day goes just fine, like any kind of close friends spending time together. Tooru talks and talks about everything that comes to mind and Iwaizumi listens to him in silence like always; then some rare times Tooru is the one who’s doing the listening. He loves it. It feels like opening a treasure chest. He’s unable to stop the smile shaping on his lips.

He’s upset when it’s time to go home.

“I am certain we won’t get any homework done if you come over- and yes, also if I come over. And so, Oikawa, you gotta go home and study.”

And that’s how he ends up going home with a pout.

He keeps in mind that everything’s fine with Iwaizumi. They’ll stay together so it doesn’t matter if it’s only as friends; he goes through the night with a good mood and no bad dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's my first anniversary of joining AO3!  
> ahhhh it was a year ago this day when i got my invitation i was literally jumping around the house!  
> SO ON THIS OCCASION I HAVE THIS LONG ASS CHAPTER FOR YOU GUYS!  
> enjoy all the angst my darlings😈

Tooru looks down at his wrist where he accidentally scratched with the blade, water drops fall from his hair. He has an idea how to hide it from others in practice: he’ll wear wristbands; he has a pink pair he really likes. No one will be surprised, he does these weird stuff a lot; so it’ll be fine. He nods his head when he decides and steps out of the bathroom.

He picks up his pink wristbands, his headset and keys before leaving. He has to run a little faster to be there on time. Wish he had canceled morning practice for third years… it’s fairly annoying; even though he should be used to it by now.

When he’s getting ready for warm up, Makki snorts, “Nice wristbands, Oikawa.” He shots Tooru’s way.

“Thanks, aren’t they cute?” Tooru grins, holding up his hands.

“Very,” Makki smirks and shakes his head. Everyone else is grinning too. They’re probably mocking, but that makes Tooru feel even better.

He starts practicing his serves, not feeling like group practice. Kunimi can help the spikers just fine; so he’s not needed. He puts on his headset to help ignore them better.

_You did it to yourself. You did it to yourself. You did it to yourself. You did it to yourself. You did it to yourself. YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF!_

The song is screaming in his ears. It feels nice, even with the striking lyrics. He punches the next ball when he notices Mattsun, who tells him something but he can’t hear.

“What?” Tooru pushes away the headsets from one ear and asks.

“I said what are you listening to?” Mattsun asks, he couldn’t sound less interested.

Tooru stares at him and thinks. The song he’s listening to currently is saying, “ _Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I’m lost within. I put on my daily façade but then, I just end up getting hurt again by myself…_ ”

“Taylor Swift,” He says quickly and blushes a little.

Mattsun looks at him for a few seconds, “Oh? So you have the decency to be embarrassed about listening to Taylor Swift.” He smirks.

“I’m not embarrassed!” Tooru shots back. He actually doesn’t know any Taylor Swift songs, except for the ones literally everyone knows because they’re so famous. So he starts singing Shake It Off but he’s shushed in less than three seconds. He has to stop singing before a ball hits his head, and grins.

Mattsun rolls his eyes, he crosses his arms and shoots a serious glare Tooru’s way, “Hey Oikawa, what are you not telling Iwaizumi?” he asks quietly.

Tooru pauses the music and drops the volleyball he was holding. He frowns and looks at Mattsun questioningly, “What do you mean?”

“He talks to me too, you know?” Mattsun sighs, “And he’s really worried now. Because as long as he remembers, you’ve always told him everything; But right now you’re hiding something, and we thought it must be big if you can’t talk about it.”

Tooru only stares. He can’t believe his friends really worry about him so much and talk about him when he’s not around.

Mattsun is searching his face, apparently he realizes Tooru’s not gonna speak so he says, “I bet you ran to him the first time you touched a breast.” He smirks.

“How do you know?!” Tooru exclaims. Okay, maybe they’re right; he can’t _not_ tell Iwaizumi about everything that happens to him, and he still does, there’s only one thing he can’t talk about and they’re making a fuss about it.

Mattsun snorts, “See, that’s what I mean.” He’s eyeing Tooru’s wrists, which is making Tooru uncomfortable, and he narrows his eyes. “Can’t you tell _me_ , either?”

Tooru sighs and closes his eyes for a moment before saying, “Not right now, go keep playing. We’ll talk after school if you want to.”

Mattsun follows his hands with his eyes, but then nods without commenting about them, “Wait for me, then.”

As always, others are still playing when the third years head out to go home. The sun is setting, casting its orange light everywhere. Tooru knows there’s no way he can go without Mattsun following him, he should have this talk.

Honestly, he’s dying to be able to talk to somebody. And he knows Iwaizumi was right when he told Tooru he has to talk to someone about his problem, but these past few months have been hell and he didn’t want to drag anyone else in. But he knows he shouldn’t just handle it all by himself; even if Mattsun can’t do anything to help, he’ll still listen and that would be enough. Talking to Mattsun is easy -despite his hard face- he doesn’t judge and never tries to give advices if it’s not asked for.

Tooru shakes his hand to clear his mind, walking away from the group –Mattsun on his heels-, “Me and Mattsun are gonna take a walk, bye y’all!” he informs them with a smile.

No one seems suspicious about it or give them a second glance before they’re off. Tooru doesn’t know how to feel about this, is it really normal for him to walk with random people, or Mattsun has told them so they were ready? Whatever that was, it felt weird.

“Are you not gonna say anything?” Mattsun finally asks when they just walk in silence.

“I…I don’t know what you want to know.” Tooru responds quietly.

Mattsun stops in his tracks; Tooru turns around to face him and shots him a curious glance.

“Take off your wristbands, Oikawa,” Mattsun demands.

“What…why?” Tooru stutters. Even though he’s wearing a long sleeved sweater, he didn’t risk taking off his wristbands. Apparently this has backtracked; now he knows that raised more suspicion. ‘ _Damn! I’m such an_ idiot _!_ ’

“Just do it,” Mattsun looks like he’s not going to back off, so Tooru slowly takes off his right wristband, the one without the wound. “The other one, too,” He points out.

With a sigh, Tooru does as he’s told, and puts the wristbands in his pockets. Mattsun snatches Tooru’s hands, making him jump; but he’s holding too tight to get free that easily. Sure enough, he notices the small pink scar, eyeing it with almost no emotion in his face. This makes Tooru more uncomfortable and fidgety. He knows Mattsun is exactly thinking what Tooru feared anyone seeing that wound might think.

“It’s…it’s not what you think.” Tooru finally brings himself to say, trying to free his hands. Mattsun lets go of his right hand, but he’s still squeezing his left, hard.

“ _What I think?!_ ” he holds up Tooru’s hand angrily.

“Yeah…it’s not…it’s not a healed deep wound, it’s just a scratch. Was always like this.” Tooru desperately tries to explain, tugging his hand free.

“A scratch? And what scratched it?” he asks, and when Tooru doesn’t reply, he scoffs, “ _A blade_ , obviously! Oikawa, the fact that _a blade was so close to your wrist_ can only mean one thing…”

“N-no!” Tooru says quickly, “I swear I wasn’t trying to…” he leaves the sentence there, but he knows he doesn’t need to finish it and Mattsun already knows what he was gonna say.

Mattsun nods his head a few times, totally unconvinced. Tooru shivers, not from the cold feeling, but because it’s _really_ chilly out there. They’re just standing in the sidewalk in this cold, so Tooru starts walking again.

“You can’t run away from this!” Mattsun calls after him.

“I’m not running away,” Tooru responds calmly without stopping his tracks, “It’s cold out here, we’re going to my house.”

“Tooru is that you?” Tooru hears his mom when he opens the door, she steps out of the kitchen and stops when she sees Mattsun. “Oh hi, Issei-kun. Welcome.”

“Hello, Oikawa-san.” Mattsun bends his neck in greeting, and steps inside after taking off his shoes.

Tooru says hi too, he doesn’t know what else to say; right now his mom’s attention is on Mattsun so he just stands there.

“You’re staying for dinner, right?” she chirps happily.

“Ah, no thank you. I don’t want to bother…” Mattsun is showing his sweet side. Seeing it feels weird to Tooru; Mattsun is almost always smug and bitchy. But now he’s smiling sweetly and speaks with so much respect.

“Don’t be silly, I always love having Tooru’s friends over!” Tooru’s mom grins widely; her eyes crinkle and they’re barely open. Tooru sighs.

“Oikawa and I have something to do; I’ll stay if it takes long. How is that?”

“Great!” she sings and dances towards the kitchen.

Tooru shakes his head. Everyone always tell him he looks a lot like his mom; but is he actually like _this?_ (Well obviously. He could’ve only got his energetic manner from his mom) ‘ _Yeah I’ve got her light brown hair and chocolate eyes but aside from that…_ ’

When they reach his room, Tooru quickly changes into more comfortable clothes; when he’s doing that, Mattsun is texting on his phone, probably letting his family know he’ll be home late.

Tooru sits on the bed and leans against the wall; Mattsun moves the chair to sit across from him. So they’re now face to face.

“So Iwa was right to worry,” Mattsun says in a low voice, making Tooru finally look up at him. The anger is gone, now his face is filled with sadness and worry.

“I’m not gonna kill myself.” Tooru has to gather all his courage to be able to say this. It was hard, really, but it’s better than seeing his friends this way. He wants to be honest. He wants to tell Mattsun everything; but he doesn’t know where to start _or_ how to say it. “But I did think about it,” He says softly, a small smile on his lips.

Mattsun’s eyes are looking directly at Tooru, with so much attention; but he doesn’t interrupt. He waits for Tooru to speak however he’s comfortable with.

“I figured me dying doesn’t finish the world. Life would go on, everyone still here but I’ve left them all alone. Thinking about them stops me from doing so.” Tooru explains, his eyes on his lap, he plays with the hem of his pillow.

“Who did you think about?” Mattsun asks quietly.

Tooru swallows hard, “W-well…my mom was the first face I saw,” he can’t lie, “And then Iwa-chan…” he sighs and goes quiet.

Before Mattsun can say anything, Tooru wraps his arms around his knees and hugs them to his chest, “Do you think he’d really care?” he whispers with so much insecurity it breaks Mattsun’s heart. Oikawa shouldn’t be self-conscious, he always should be overflowing with confidence and see himself as the great king everyone says he is.

“God Oikawa…of course he does,” he gets up to sit beside Tooru, “What have I been trying to tell you all night?” he pats Tooru’s back a little before saying, “sometimes he sucks at showing it, though.”

“Yeah…”Tooru chuckles, the thing is, Iwaizumi shows it really well most of the times. He says everything with a neutral expression and a hard voice, but Tooru can see the concern behind it. The night on the club he even _smiled_ for him.

“Now I see,” Mattsun says vaguely, Tooru turns his head to see him, Mattsun is looking at him with so much understanding it makes Tooru’s body go numb. He gives Mattsun a questioning look in return, so Mattsun says, “It _is_ about Iwaizumi. That’s why you couldn’t to talk to him.”

Tooru blinks. He can’t deny it, he kinda promised himself he wouldn’t lie to Mattsun tonight, so he nods. “I can’t tell him,”

“About how you feel?” Mattsun withdraws his hand from Tooru’s shoulder and frowns, “That’s it, then? You have feelings for him, I didn’t get it wrong?”

Tooru nods again. Mattsun sighs and leans against the wall. Then he laughs, when Tooru says a muffled “What?” he grins, “I just sighed. I’m turning into you.”

Tooru shoves him weakly and mumbles, “Fuck off.” But he smiles.

Mattsun frowns again; he stares at the wall for a few seconds before saying, “Why can’t you tell him?”

“Because _I can’t_ ,” Tooru says it like it should be obvious, “We’re best friends…you can’t just…it’s just wrong. I feel dirty.”

“But it _is_ normal to change from friends to lovers! Me and Takahiro were friends, _your parents_ were friends!”

“No,” Tooru rolls his eyes, “You two had a crush on each other from the beginning, that’s why you approached each other to become friends. My parents are _a male and a female_ that’s most likely to happen,” He sighs and hugs his legs more tightly, “But me and Iwa-chan…we’re…we should be like siblings. I’m breaking a rule here; a massive, _massive_ rule.”

Mattsun’s eyes soften, “But this isn’t a _universal_ rule, Oikawa, _you_ made this rule. And you gotta admit we always break our own rules,” He reaches out and wraps his fingers around Tooru’s wrist gently, “You are the judge, all you have to do is forgive yourself.”

He unwinds Tooru’s arm from around his knees to look at the scar again. Tooru crosses his legs without moving his hand; he tries to read Mattsun’s face when he’s looking at his wrist.

“I self-harm,” he suddenly says, Mattsun’s head whips up to stare at him with wide eyes; “That was an accident.” He explains further, pointing at his wrist with a nod of his head.

“What? Then why haven’t I…” Mattsun starts, then his eyes fill with realization when Tooru points at his own lap, moving his index finger between his thighs. “Your sports gear hides it,”

Tooru nods, and then Mattsun lets go of his hand. Mattsun’s face is changing from angry to sad, worried and sympathetic like it can’t decide which to settle on. He has so many questions, Tooru can _sense_ it. But before he can form any of them, Tooru’s mother is calling for them.

“Boys, dinner is ready!” she calls from down stairs.

“We’re coming!” Tooru calls back. Then he looks at Mattsun and smiles, “Let’s go. You can stay a little longer if you have more to talk about; I won’t mind.”

Mattsun nods and follows Tooru out of the room.

Tooru’s dad is home for dinner, but that’s not why they’re quiet.

Both Mattsun and Tooru answer when a question is directed at them but other than that, they don’t talk. They left the conversation right at a very sensitive subject; Tooru can bet Mattsun is thinking of ways to approach it without upsetting or triggering Tooru.

He doesn’t like that, seeing his friends walking on egg shells around him. (Especially not Mattsun, the sassy sarcastic Matsukawa Issei) That’s one of the reasons he didn’t want anyone to find out. _But maybe this is not that bad_ , he tells himself, _doesn’t matter how he reacts, I still won’t lie to him._

After dinner, they help Tooru’s mom to clean up, but she sends them off to Tooru’s room and she puts the dished in the dishwasher herself. (She’s a bit _too nice_ to his friends, like a mom whose child can’t find friends! Tooru’s offended!)

Tooru holds the door to let Mattsun inter the room first; Mattsun stops in the middle of the room with his back to Tooru. Tooru’s waiting for the questions, bracing himself. Then, after a few long seconds, he finally faces Tooru and looks at him from the corner of his eyes.

“Have you…have you ever tried to stop?” he asks. Okay, not so subtle; straight to the point.

Tooru pales. The thought of stopping terrifies him, he’s afraid Mattsun would try to make him stop. He shakes his head frantically, eyes wide.

“I-I have. But _I can’t_. I really can’t…” he probably looks menace, because Mattsun rushes over and holds his arms firmly.

“You _know_ it’s a wrong way to deal with it, right?” he tries to look at Tooru’s eyes, but he seems completely irresponsive, “When- uh, since when you’ve been…?”

He’s unable to finish the question, but Tooru gets it anyway.

“I don’t know…” he swallows hard, “a few months, I guess,”

“A few…” Mattsun stutters, eyes wide, “shit, Oikawa. Why haven’t you ever tried to tell him?”

Tooru frees himself from Mattsun’s hold roughly, looking at him like he’s mad, or stupid, or both.

“Tell him?! You think I haven’t thought about confessing? _There are consequences, Matsukawa!_ I know, _I fucking know_ he cares about me. So if he doesn’t return my feelings, he’d get uncomfortable. And because he feels bad for me he even might say yes if I ask him, and he’ll be trapped in a relationship he doesn’t want. I’d be a torture; he might even start hating me. That’s how people forced to be with someone grow to feel. I can live with my feelings, but how am I supposed to deal with Iwa hating me? I CAN’T. I’d die…no, _I’ll make sure I’d die_. I just can’t do this to him!” he’s yelling, he definitely looks crazy; he might be having a panic attack, even. But he’s not able to stop the words spilling out of his mouth.

“OIKAWA!” Mattsun says loudly, and when he’s sure he’s got Tooru attention (a bit of it, anyway), he shakes his head. “You’re going with the worst scenario. Yes, he might say yes if you ask for a romantic relationship, because he can’t bring himself to say no to you or upset you, but that’s a good thing and a perfect opportunity for you.” When Tooru opens his mouth to try to protest, Mattsun holds his hand up and stops him, “let me finish. You’d have a chance to show him this part of you. You’ll be free to tell him how you feel, how much you love him or any kind of romantic shit I’m sure you’re perfect at. He’s not sure about how he feels about you -at least that’s what I’ve figured- so maybe if he sees you show him love and affection, he’ll grow to love you.”

When Mattsun is done explaining, he smiles at Tooru’s baffled expression. Tooru is speechless. He’s never thought about it that way. He’s obviously had fantasies about him and Iwaizumi in a very happy and lovey-dovey relationship, but this happening slowly, with a lot of time? Never.

“It’s true, Oikawa. He definitely is capable of loving you that way. So instead of hiding off and try to kill your feelings, try for _him_. Try to win him over, Oikawa.” He says with a soft smile, but then suddenly he switches back to his normal-and-not-so-gentle self, “for one thing I’m sure Iwaizumi isn’t straight. Gay, bi, pan, whatever his sexuality is, it’s not heterosexual.” He says with a smirk.

“Yeah?” Tooru asks, eyebrow raised and a smile tugging at his lips.

“I mean, haven’t you seen him checking out other players’ asses? He’s obviously into it.” Mattsun nods thoughtfully, “He even checks your ass out, Oikawa.” He says with a big smirk, laughing at Tooru’s flushed face.

“Oh shut up. You’re just trying to encourage me into telling him.” Tooru deadpans. After thinking about what he just said, he pouts. But he’s still blushing. _Iwa-chan looking at his ass? More like the end of the world!_

“You shouldn’t even need encouraging!” Mattsun rolls his eyes, “There’s always some tension between teammates, now let alone the tension between _you two_. Everyone can sense it. You’re just being an idiot…and a pussy. Yeah, that’s more like it.”

“I’m not a pussy!” Tooru yells, pouting. He’ll never admit how terrified and scared he is about confessing to Iwaizumi. (He’s just a little paranoid, okay?)

“The only way you can prove this is by telling Iwaizumi you love him. I won’t be convinced otherwise.” Mattsun says, his smirk and hooded eyes are back and he looks so mean. _That’s the Mattsun I know_ , Tooru thinks.

“Nope,” Tooru says, crossing his arms, “Challenging me won’t work in this matter.”

Suddenly Mattsun is hugging him.

Tooru’s too shocked to react for a few seconds; he stares at the wall ahead with wide eyes before remembering to hug him back.

“I… I care about you both, you and Iwaizumi,” Mattsun starts slowly, “but I can’t have him do this to you. You’re obviously suffering, and I can’t have you changed like this.” Then he chuckles before he keeps talking, “Even though you have a very shitty personality, that’s just who you are, and how you should be. Don’t let him change you, okay? No one deserves this. Nothing is worth you hurting yourself. Alright?”

Tooru can only nod. He couldn’t even complain when Mattsun called his personality shitty again, that wasn’t what he was focused on.

Mattsun holds him for another few seconds. His warmth is a big comfort to Tooru, his heart aches a lot less. But too soon, Mattsun sighs, pats him on the back a few times and pulls away.

“I’ll be going, now,” he says quietly, “See you tomorrow. Take care.” He looked like he was begging Tooru with his eyes, asking him to not to hurt himself, before he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the songs Tooru was listening to:  
> [ Bittersweet ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CfhT9Ivwwy4)  
> [ By Myself ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wWBp-nlGX1o)  
> both by Linkin Park


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys my brother poured water all over my lap top so it doesn't work anymore 😭 i couldn't post or write anything these past few days  
> I'm so sad we had just got it fixed a while ago😔 I'm sorry, if i can't update, that's the reason
> 
> P.S:there are some short chapters like this one were Oikawa just listens to music and thinks...as this was my way of venting. So I try to post sooner after one of these:) (until i fix the lap top, of course)

Tooru’s sitting on his bed, wrapped in a blanket, arms around his knees. He’s thinking about everything said between him and Matsukawa; and he feels just like the way he felt after talking to Takeru. Everything just…became too real.

People should feel better after talking to someone, right? Venting is good. That’s what everyone says! So why does he feel heavier, when he should be feeling light because he’s not handling it all by himself anymore?

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to calm himself without the help of a blade. He just can’t erase the look Mattsun gave him before leaving; it was begging him not to hurt himself. It might be good, yeah, to get his help to stop harming himself, but it’s just too hard.

And like always, the songs he listens to match his mood. But they don’t make him feel better, quite the opposite. They make him _hear the pain_ , if this even makes sense? It feels nice, so he doesn’t care. He can’t talk about the pain he’s feeling while someone else is literally _screaming_ out the words for him.

_Wake in a sweat again_  
_Another day’s been laid to waste. In my disgrace_  
_Stuck in my head again. Feels like I’ll never leave this place. There’s no escape_  
_I’m my own worst enemy_  
_I’ve given up_  
_I’m sick of feeling_  
_Is there nothing you can say?_  
_Take this all away_  
_I’m suffocating_  
_Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?!_  
_I don’t know what to take_  
_Thought I was focused but I’m scared. I’m not prepared._  
_I hyperventilate_  
_Looking for help somehow somewhere_  
_And no one cares._  
_I’m my own worst enemy…_  
_GOD! Put me out of my misery_  
_Put me out of my misery_  
_Put me out of my_  
_Put me out of my fucking misery!_

Just after the song ends and there’s a moment of silence, he hears his phone beep. The next song starts playing but since he’s picked up the phone, he can feel the vibration. He’s received three messages from Mattsun.

There are three audio files, apparently songs he’s sent for Tooru to download. He can see the titles, they read:

**< <[The End Is Not The Answer](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6gUcNoC_EAA)**

**< <[Friend, Please](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4-Q_0iKNnVM)**

**< <[1-800-273-8255](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU)**

He can tell what those songs are about just by their names, but he raises his eyebrows at the number. What kind of song title is that? He downloads all three of them, he feels so warm at heart, and he’s filled with appreciation for his friend.

The first one he plays is the number; he’s most curious about this one. And as soon as the lyrics start, _he knows_.

_I been on the low, I been taking my time_  
_I feel like I’m out of my mind_  
_I feel like my life ain’t mine (who can relate?)_  
_I don’t wanna be alive. I don’t wanna be alive_  
_I just wanna die today. I just wanna die._  
_And let me tell you why…_

He smiles a little even though he can feel the tears pooling in his eyes. He wipes at them with his sleeve and sends Mattsun a simple but sincere ‘thank you’.

He lies down, closing his eyes and focusing all his senses on the songs. They're those kind of songs that make hurting sound...good. Like _it’s fine you’re in pain when there’s someone who takes care of you_.

_I feel for you but when did you believe you were alone?_  
_You say the spiders crawl inside and made themselves a home where light once was_  
_Petrified of who you are and who you have become_  
_You will hide from everyone denying you need someone to exterminate your bones_  
_Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me_  
_I know you want to leave but friend, please don't take your life away from me_  
_Living like a ghost you walk by everyone you know_  
_You say that you're fine but you have lost you sway and glow_  
_So I stopped by to let you know..._  
_Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me_  
_I know you want to leave but friend, please don't take your life away from me_  
_Would you let me know your plans tonight?_  
_'cause I just won't let go 'til we both see the light_  
_And I have nothing else left to say_  
_But I will listen to you all day. Yes I will._

He doesn't dream tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the other song mentioned in this chapter:  
> [ Given Up ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EfNon7Mjxdg)  
> by linkin park


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lap top isn't fixed yet... And i haven't written a word since then cause i hate typing in my phone D: But since I started writing this ff a year ago I have a few more chapters ready so here it is:) hope you enjoy ❤

Tooru sits down, breathing hard and sweaty. He picks up his water bottle; while he's drinking, Iwaizumi joins him on the ground. He wipes his brow and looks over at Tooru. Tooru tries hard not to look excited as he always gets while he's anywhere close to Iwaizumi.

"So, Oikawa," Iwaizumi finally says after a moment of silence and heavily breathing, "You walked home with Matsukawa last night, right?"

"Um, yeah?" Tooru answers, confused.

"Was he able to make you talk?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Tooru laughs, "well yeah, he actually did."

"I figured," he breathes, drinking a little water, "You don't look half bad today."

Tooru gasps in mock offence.

"I always look good, Iwa-chan!" he exclaims, "And it's still 7 am how can you even tell I look better!?"

"Yeah, well," Iwaizumi shrugs, "your mood is detectable from the early hours every day... anyway, I was really hoping talking a little would work. Did it?

"I don't know," Tooru stares down, "He's got his own ways at helping, you know..." then he smiles brightly at Iwaizumi, "I don't feel alone anymore."

Iwaizumi searches his face for a few seconds, Tooru doing too in return. Tooru feels like he might have said the wrong thing; Iwaizumi has always been by his side but right now he said he's been feeling alone... Tooru would be offended if it was him.

"That's good," Iwaizumi stands up, squeezing Tooru's shoulder before going back to practice.

Tooru might be imagining it but he feels like Iwaizumi slams the balls harder after that.

Tooru listens to the songs Mattsun sent him the night before between the periods. Though he usually talks nicely to everyone who approaches him, today he'd rather just be alone with his headphones. Girls glance his way a lot, but they don't try to talk to him in fear of getting ignored and embarrassed. (He never does that, so maybe they're scared he might not hear them over the music? Girls are _always_ nervous. No explanation needed)

He might want to ignore everyone, but Iwaizumi is the exception.

He walks toward Tooru with his hands in his pockets and a very-tired-of-your-shit face. Tooru removes his headphones and smiles. Iwaizumi stands in front of him without saying anything; Tooru looks up at him, curious.

“What is it, Iwa-chan?” Tooru asks.

Iwaizumi tsks, and then he sighs before giving him a white envelope.

“Someone asked me to give you this,” he explains and turns to leave.

“Um…who?” Tooru checks both sides of the envelope but there’s no name on it.

“I don’t know. Some second year guy.” Iwaizumi responds lazily, and leaves before Tooru can say anything else.

Tooru lets out an ‘Oh’ sound even though Iwaizumi’s gone and can’t hear him. He puts his headphone back on and opens the envelope. After some light reading, he finds out it’s a confession letter.

_A confession letter! From a guy!_

Tooru stares at the name and number with wide eyes; remembering what Takeru said about lots of guys “who would kill for him”. Now he’s got no idea what he should possibly do when the teacher inters the room and he has to put his headphone and letter away.

He’ll think about it at lunch break.

It’s not like Tooru hasn’t got any confessions before (in letter or personally) but never from boys. Not even one. Maybe they’re all too sure he’s straight to make a move? And this one is the only boy who was brave enough? This guy can’t be the only guy who likes him! (Iwa-chan would definitely smack him in the head if he could hear his smug thoughts)

He joins the table the Seijo team usually occupies, and sits between Iwaizumi and Yahaba. Kyoutani’s sitting beside Yahaba, and Mattsun and Makki at the other side of Iwaizumi. They all start eating, talking slowly between bites.

“What was the letter about, Oikawa?” Iwaizumi asks, but he doesn’t look like he actually cares.

Tooru flushes, “it was a…um, confession letter.” He says. He and Iwaizumi stare at each other for few seconds, the other member’s attention is caught too, then Tooru grins ear to ear.

“The hell,” Makki interrupts, “I don’t get it. It’s not like Oikawa getting a confession letter is weird, right?”

“It was from a guy,” Iwaizumi answers without looking away from Tooru’s face.

There’s a moment of silence, and then, “Ooooooh!” they all coo at the same time.

“The moment of truth!”

“Finally!”

“You’re gonna say yes, right, Oikawa?”

“Are we finally gonna officially know you’re not as straight as people think?”

Tooru shakes his hands quickly in front of his face, “No, guys, wait!” when they’re all quiet and look at him expectantly, he keeps talking, “I don’t even know how he looks like, I mean, I don’t want my first gay-date to be ugly!”

“How don’t you know?” Mattsun asks, confused, others nod their heads in agreement.

“He sent me the letter through Iwa-chan,” Tooru says, pointing at Iwa with his thumb.

Everyone stares at Iwaizumi. He doesn’t notice at first, but when he does he snaps, “What?”

“Well? How did he look like?” Yahaba asks. Why is everyone so interested anyway?

“He was good, I guess,” Iwaizumi shrugs, “he was as tall as me, dark brown hair and eyes, and all that. I don’t know what Oikawa would call good-looking.”

“Would _you_ call him good looking?” Makki asks.

Silence.

“Um, I guess?” Iwaizumi responds uncertainly.

“Well, that’s good enough,” Hanamaki grins, “Iwaizumi has high standards, if he finds the guy handsome you definitely should give it a chance.”

“Does that mean Oikawa’s gay?” Kyoutani asks, and everyone stares at him. Well, looks like the quietest one asked the biggest question.

Mattsun and Iwaizumi snort, Makki raises his eyebrows and Yahaba smiles.

‘ _Is that the moment I come out to my teammates?_ ’ Tooru asks himself. It definitely doesn’t sound terrifying; Tooru’s never been ashamed of anything about himself anyway.

“Don’t we all know the answer already…” Makki says but is shushed by Mattsun who nudges his side with his elbow.

“Shhh, we wanna hear it from him!” Mattsun whispers but he knows Tooru can hear.

Tooru rolls his eyes, “I am, so what.”

Everyone cheers. Makki wipes at imaginary tears and says, “This is the best thing that happened all year,” Mattsun and Yahaba nod and grin, Kyoutani just stares at him with his scary dog-eyes. But Iwaizumi’s quiet.

Tooru’s specialty is reading people like open books; something his friends think it would scare people away. But he doubts everything he sees in Iwaizumi (just like when he tries to read really small written things without his glasses on), he’s afraid his feeling are clouding his judgment. Like, right now, a dark aura surrounds Iwaizumi; his face is hard, eyes scream _murder_. But also that’s what Tooru _wants_ Iwaizumi to feel. He wants Iwaizumi to be jealous of anyone who gets near Tooru. So he’s not sure if he’s imagining things or this is really what Iwaizumi looks like.

But then, Iwaizumi looks up at him, “why didn’t I know this?” he hisses.

Tooru tilts his head, eyes wide, “because I thought it was obvious?” his reply sounds more like a question. Iwaizumi scuffs and looks away again. Tooru frowns, “I don’t know about your sexuality either, Iwa-chan!” he says, actually managing to sound hurt.

Okay, maybe it’s not that _obvious_ he’s not straight; he’s always so good with girls. But also Iwaizumi is so good at seeing the real Oikawa. Part of the reason he never straight up went ahead to tell Iwaizumi he’s gay is that he’s never had a boyfriend to brag about; another reason is telling Iwaizumi “ah by the way Iwa-chan I’m gay!” sounds really…like a confession. At least that’s how Tooru feels about it, Iwaizumi may have never looked at it that way. But it’s too late to figure that out now.

Iwaizumi doesn’t make eye contact; he just stands up and leaves. Tooru doesn’t try to stop him. He looks over at Mattsun who gives him a worried look. Tooru sighs but smiles to reassure his friend that he’s actually fine. It’s not like he’s never felt so down by Iwaizumi’s behavior…

“That means he’s not straight?” Kyoutani breaks the silence. Everyone turn their heads slowly to stare at him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone~!  
> so the laptop is back... they gave it back saying it's impossible to find the needed parts to fix it. for now.  
> meaning i have to plug in a keyboard to write XD anyway what's important is I'M BACK BABEH!  
> i'm honestly overjoyed by all you guys' support😭✨  
> thank you all❤

Tooru is listening to music while trying to solve a math problem. It's an annoying problem, so he's happy to get distracted by the songs once a few minutes or so. But since he's mostly focused on the math, he doesn't pick the songs and lets the playlist just shuffle on.

_I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared_  
_But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared_  
_After my dreaming, I woke with this fear_  
_What am I leaving when I'm done here?_  
_So if you're asking me I want you to know_  
_When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done_  
_Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed_  
_And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty_  
_Keep me in your memory, and leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest_  
_Don't be afraid. I've taken my beating. I've shared what I made_  
_I'm stronger than this surface, not all the way through_  
_I've never been perfect but neither have you_  
_Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learnt to hide so well_  
_Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself_  
_I can't be who you are..._

Ah, another song about dying. Not that Tooru minds, he just knows he should have more of those motivating ones Mattsun sent him. Maybe he should ask him for some more...

As if on cue, his phone beeps with a message from Mattsun; followed by two more. Tooru opens the texts, and happily gives up on the math when he sees Mattsun has sent him another three songs. He leaves his desk to sit on the bed.

**< <[Throne](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XEp3GTVuShw)**

**< <[The Mountain](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XblV5A1PlDo)**

**< <[Lovely](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3C-2xCuJ%20ZYQ)**

He plays them and starts typing a reply.

**> >I didn't know you had a good taste in music, Mattsun**

**> >now let alone good ENGLISH songs**

**> >thanks <3 <3**

He tries to pay attention to what they say, but he's not familiar with the singers' accents so he searches for the lyrics. Mattsun doesn't reply, just like the last time. But Tooru's sure he has read Tooru's.

_So you could throw me to the wolves_  
_Tomorrow I will come back, leader of the whole pack_  
_Beat me black and blue, every wound will shape me, every scar will build my throne_

Wah, this song radiates hope and power.

_Everyday I'm just surviving, I keep climbing the mountain_  
_Even when I feel like dying, I keep climbing the mountain_  
_Every time I think I'm over it I wake up at the bottom of it all again_  
_I'm still surviving and keep climbing the mountain_

He's already in love with this song.

_Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride_  
_I will make you believe you are lovely_

_Lovely_ is so sweet it makes his teeth hurt. He finds himself crying in the happiness these songs seem to share. They're perfect and a nice change of pace after all the suicide songs he's always listening to.

He doesn't feel too bitter about Iwaizumi reacting to his coming out today anymore. He decides to call this Confession Letter Guy on the spot.

He searches his bag for it, saves the number under name "Yukiteru", according to the piece of paper, and hits dial.

"Hello?" a nervous boy answers, voice childish and soft.

"Oh, hi. Is this Yukiteru? It's Oikawa, Iwaizumi gave me your number earlier today!" he says with as much confidence he can muster; which is his usual tone.

"Yeah, that's me!" he responds easily, even though he sounds a little nervous. "I honestly didn't think that would work, but I thought-"

"To give it a shot? That was brave of you. Not a single guy has ever asked me."

"Oh, so does that mean you like..."

"Yes, but no one knows and no one's going to find out, right, Yukiteru-kun?" he says in a sweet voice, but anyone with a brain can hear the threat behind it that says 'the day you slip is the day you die'.

"Yes! Yes of course," from his scared and anxious tone Tooru can tell he's heard it. He hums happily and nods.

"Good. Why don't you come and introduce yourself to me tomorrow at school? I gotta recognize you, am I right,"

"I... I will. Sure. At... at lunch break?"

"Yup, let's not make it happen in the cafeteria, it's too crowded."

"I'll... I'll find you somewhere else. Don't worry." Yukiteru replies through a breath. A little too late he realizes he just admitted he knows where Tooru is at what time, but Tooru doesn't mind since too many people seem to know his schedule better than himself.

"Alright, see you then. Bye!" and without waiting for a reply, he hangs up.

He's trying to meet his physical needs through someone else again, he knows that. But what else can he do? Iwaizumi will never be an option. And he really craves some warmth, a body to hold him and reduce the pain in his heart.

 _There's no other way_ , he decides; completely ignoring Mattsun's advice about trying to win Iwaizumi's heart.

The next day.

Tooru's just going out of the classroom when someone stops him, standing in his way. He looks down at the boy's face, who's a couple of inches shorter than him.

"Um...hi, Oikawa-senpai. It's Yukiteru," the boy says shyly, waving his hand a little before dropping it quickly.

Ah, so that's the infamous Confession Letter Guy! Tooru takes a minute to check him out thoroughly. His skin is just as dark as Iwaizumi's (meaning it's the perfect shade), he has dark hair that's spiked sloppily, sharp brown eyes, thin lips and a small nose that fits the rest of his face perfectly. His body's just right, too. He's not fat, but also not too thin, wide shoulder that fills his uniform the right way.

All in all, he reminds him a lot of Iwaizumi.

What the hell?

"Ah, hi there!" he visibly looks him up and down before grinning, "You look nice,"

"Oh, thanks," he says, fidgeting in place nervously. His voice is soft just like Tooru remembers from their phone call, his eyes are kind and he's looking at Tooru lovingly.

And that's what's off about him. He may resemble Iwaizumi in so many ways, but he's got a totally different attitude. No resting-bitch-face, no hard lines around his scolding mouth; a smile and a look Tooru will always dream about seeing in Iwaizumi's face. He feels a pang in his heart.

Yukiteru clears his throat, "So, would you want to go out with me?" he asks, smiling rather confidently.

"Of course, but if you want to go out at day, I only have the weekends off. But I don't think night would be comfortable enough..."

"This weekend, then?" Yukiteru nods, he looks put off for having to wait another three days. But he tries not to show it.

"Yup. I'll let you know. But let's meet again at school tomorrow, okay?" Tooru says kindly. He doesn't want to ruin his reputation, if he's nice with girls, he'd be nice with the boys who like him, too. Yukiteru looks happier than he was a few seconds ago, making Tooru smile proudly, "see you, Yukki-chan!" he waves and leaves a blushing Yukki standing there dumbly.

He decides not to mention this to his teammates yet. If the date goes well, then he'd brag about his cute date all he wants. But for now, he'd rather keep quiet.

"Hey, Oikawa," Iwaizumi says quietly, dragging Tooru back to his surrounding, "I, uh, I'm sorry about yesterday... um, that's not what- how I wanted to react. I really don't care about your sexuality, if that's what you thought. I'm completely okay with it."

Iwaizumi doesn't make eye contact, so Tooru has to stare at his side profile. Tooru's still in shock that Iwaizumi is seriously, actually, and honestly apologizing to him. But he quickly collects himself and grins ear to ear.

"It's okay, Iwa-chan! I understand that you expected to have known this sooner as my best friend." He smiles, taps his bottom lip with his index finger and winks, "but to completely forgive you, you have to tell me your sexuality, too!"

Iwaizumi looks annoyed, but he can't hide the relief from Tooru. Nevertheless, he smacks Tooru in the head and sighs, ignoring Tooru's whines and protests.

"I don't really know, believe it or not," he finally says, Tooru only stares at him with a confused face so he explains; "I don't have much experience. So I can't tell." He shrugs and picks up his chopsticks, playing with his food.

Tooru looks around to see if anyone is listening to their conversation. They're not.

"So... you may... not be straight?" Tooru mentally slaps himself for his poor choice of words. But then again, he turns into a complete idiot when it comes to Iwaizumi.

"I may or may not be," Iwaizumi responds with a smirk that makes Tooru's heart stutter.

Fuck. He's hot.

"Well that would be very hypocrite of you to treat me different for being gay!" Tooru says in a voice that he knows annoys the shit out of Iwaizumi, and by the death glare Iwaizumi shoots his way he knows that it has worked this time too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song mentioned in this chapter:  
> [ Leave Out All The Rest ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wtOuyNMc5rY)  
> by Linkin Park


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short chapter to not keep you waiting while i'm writing^-^

_I’m scared to get close, and I hate being alone_  
_I long for that feeling to not feel at all_  
_The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink_  
_I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim_

_Can you hear the silence?_  
_Can you see the dark?_  
_Can you fix the broken?_  
_Can you feel, can you feel my heart?_  


Tooru digs his nail into his arms as deep as possible. The music sends shivers down his spine; he can feel hair stand up throughout his body. He feels irritated, angry, sad and broken. It’s one of his episodes.

He doesn’t even wish for it to stop. All he wants is to know _why_. He has no reason to feel like this. This angers him even more. The sudden rush of pain that fills his chest and the urge to cry comes out of nowhere. He wants to deal with this alone, he doesn’t want anyone to know how weak he gets sometimes… but, at the same time, he wants someone to help him. To just drag him out of this hell he’s put himself into.

He closes his eyes and tries to think of something that calms him down. But he finds nothing except for Iwaizumi's sharp green eyes. It does calm him down, but it also makes his heart ache more. He lies down, closes his eyes and starts imagining. Normally he would call himself silly, but right now he needs everything that might be able to help.

So he imagines Iwa-chan looking at him the way Yukki does. He imagines Iwaizumi hugging him hard, kissing him and stroking his hair. He imagines a happy smile on Iwaizumi's lips while looking at Tooru, like he's all he'd ever want to look at.

His heartbeat slows down, his breathing evens out. Small tear drops leak out of the corner of his eyes and slide down his temples. He smiles a little.

He stops the sad songs he's listening to. Enough of those. He plays the ones Mattsun sent him, and decides to ask him for more. So he texts Mattsun.

**> >hi there! Can I have some more of those nice motivating songs??**

He doesn't have to wait long for Mattsun to reply.

**< <sure**

**< <[The Last Night](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI)**

**< <[Truce](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XL8S-2rTBHA)**

**< <[Leave the City](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zDktApy8Sn0)**

Tooru plays the songs and types another message.

**> >how come you listen to these kind of songs?**

**< <love songs and break up songs became boring after a while**

Tooru smiles and closes his eyes. These songs are sad, but again, they remind him he's not alone.

_In time I will leave the city_  
_For now, I will stay alive_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that first song is [ Can you feel my heart ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbZJ) by Bring Me The Horizon


	11. Chapter 11

The week passes in a blur. Tooru knows he needs to call Yukki and pick a place for their date, but he doesn’t feel like it. They’ve seen each other at school every day since they first met, even if it was for a few minutes. He’s very cute and funny, and Tooru enjoys teasing him because it’s so easy; he likes Tooru very much. He finds himself thinking about the cute second year a lot today and misaims a serve.

It’s Friday and last day of practice for the week. The relief he feels makes him uncomfortable. Volleyball has always been his escape, a way to forget his problems. So now, if he can’t enjoy even that, what has he got?

He rubs at his chest with his palm, trying to stop himself before he gives himself a panic attack. Panicking in this place is the last thing he wants. He drops the ball and runs to his bag to drink water and even out his breathing. His other teammates are joining him before too long, picking up their own water bottles. Hanamaki and Matsukawa are murmuring together. Tooru’s staring at them without noticing, so when Makki starts talking loudly, his deep voice makes Tooru jump.

“Alright guys, listen up!” he calls out with a smirk.

“Makki’s parents are going out of town this weekend, too. Y’all know what this means?” Mattsun announces and grins. “Yup, a party. The whole team’s invited.”

They all grin and nod, while Iwaizumi narrows his eyes.

“Who else will be there? There’s going to be liquor right...?” he asks, but Makki stops him by raising his hand.

“Just you and some other friends and classmates of mine. Don’t worry it won’t be too crowded. And of course there’ll be drinks. But leave that to us!” Hanamaki grins despite the death glares and threatening looks Iwaizumi shots his way.

“Alright with you, cap?” Mattsun asks Tooru.

“That’s not what third years supposed to do, going out every weekend,” he scolds them jokingly, but then smiles, “we’ll go, Makki-chan.”

They all cheer and go back to practice.

 _That’s going to be fun_ , Tooru thinks, _I’ll go out with Yukki tomorrow afternoon, and be there at Makki’s after dinner._

"Oikawa-senpai?" Yukiteru’s excited voice comes from the other end.

"Hi Yukki-chan. Tell me, where do you want to go tomorrow?" he asks, making sure Yukki can hear the smile in his voice.

"W-well... wherever you want, Oikawa-senpai..." he answers a little nervously.

Tooru wants to say _'let's go get ice creams'_ but he remembers his day with Iwaizumi, and decides he wants this to stay their thing, and only theirs.

“Nope, it doesn’t work like that. _You’re_ taking me out, right? You should take me to _your_ favorite place.” He reasons.

“Ah well…alright; I’ll send you an address, we’ll meet there and walk to this place I know. No problem with you?”

“What time?”

When Tooru arrives at the spot Yukki asked him to come, he finds Yukki lent against a lamp post. When he spots Tooru he smiles widely and straightens his back. When Tooru gets closer to him and he can see Tooru more clearly, he blushes and coughs, hiding his face with a fist.

"Uhm, wow… Oikawa-senpai, you look gorgeous…um, amazing!" he stutters.

Tooru giggles, "you don't look bad yourself," he says with a flirtatious tone.

Yukki blushes even brighter. Then points his head to a direction and says, "Shall we go?"

Tooru nods and fallows him.

Tooru figures out some stuff about Yukki by using his people skills and asking him questions.

1.He plays for the football team, he likes sports, though he doesn't want to take it to professional levels.

2.He found out he was gay two years ago. He's last boyfriend left him and he was hurt for a long time. He's okay now.

3.He's very cute!

4.And most importantly, he's very observant.

Tooru can see it in his eyes. The way he looks at Tooru feels like he's seeing his soul; like he can see Tooru's darkest secrets. Now he knows why everyone tells him the way he's able to read people is creepy. He's not creeped out by Yukki though, Tooru feels like he's known this guy for a long time. Maybe it's because of his resemblance to Iwaizumi. Though, the longer he spends time with Yukki he realizes how different he is from Iwaizumi. It's good, really. He feels less uncomfortable around him now.

When it's time to go to Makki's, Tooru's surprised. Time flies by, he was kinda having fun with Yukki. He's exhausted though. He'd really like to sleep now, but he can't miss the party, they'll get suspicious.

When they're saying goodbye, Yukki gently touches Tooru's forehead with the back of his knuckles and pushes away his bangs. Tooru blinks. This is the first time Yukki has made a physical contact with him. Yukki stares at him with affection and keeps stroking his hair.

"I've seen you play a lot of times," he whispers, "you seem very different now. I don't mean different like Oikawa the setter and Oikawa the person. I mean like you've changed. Something's on your mind, and I know I'm too new in your life to share it with me. But I couldn't let you go without telling you that you can tell me anything. And even if you don' want me as a boyfriend, I'll gladly be a good friend for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm at a point where i have no idea what should happen next!:| i only had this much in my mind and then i know what's gonna happen in the late future but RIGHT NOW I'M COMPLETELY AT A LOSS HELP  
> (don't worry i don't mean after THIS chapter. i have a few more ready)


	12. Chapter 12

By the time Tooru arrived at the party, almost everyone was there already. _'don't worry it won't be too crowded'_ Makki said. Yeah as if. He never knew Makki had so many friends (fans and admirers, yes, but actual friends he'd invite to his parties? No.) It still wasn't as crowded as the parties you'd see in movies though. Tooru didn't care either way. He didn't have the energy to socialize and smile at everyone to charm their socks, even if it was expected from him.

So he sits on the sofa around his teammates. Music is playing loudly and some people are dancing along. Tooru is spinning his cup in his hand, not even drinking from it much. He's too busy thinking about what Yukki told him when they parted. He keeps repeating it in his mind. He knew Yukki was observant after spending ten minutes with him, but not that much. He always thought he was perfect at hiding his true feelings; but his best friends found out, he could understand that, and now someone who barely knows him personally? He _really_ should be more careful. He can't have people saying he's depressed and start feeling bad for him! He has a reputation for god's sake!

He feels the sofa shift beside him but he doesn't pay attention to who's sitting next to him until they speak.

"So, how was your day?" Mastukawa asks, leaning towards him.

"What," Tooru lifts an eyebrow, "just 'cause I talked to you once means I should always tell you how I feel?"

"That's exactly what it means," Mattsun answers with a smug smile.

"Oh fuck off," Tooru rolls his eyes.

"Come on, tell me. You're not even pretending to be happy about being around people." He narrows his hooded eyes to show Tooru he's having none of his shit.

"This time, I'm just really tired, honestly. I was out with Yukki and…"

"Yukki? Who's that?" Mattsun interrupts him to ask.

"Uh, the guy who gave me his number through Iwa-chan?" Tooru's reply sounds more like a question.

Mattsun's eyes go wide, "You went on a date with him?!"

Tooru opens his mouth to answer but doesn't know what to say. Mattsun told him he should consider confessing to Iwaizumi, but now he's going out with another guy. Mattsun must be feeling betrayed.

Before he can find an answer, Hanamaki drops himself over Mattsun and shouts, "Issei, that's our song! Get up get up!"

Tooru finally pays attention to the music playing in the back ground.

It's [Havana](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ0mxQXmLsk) by Camila Cabello.

Now he's curious why Makki calls it _"our song"_.

Mattsun chuckles and looks at Makki affectionately before getting up. Makki drags him to the clear area where others are dancing, and they start dancing to the rhythm.

Others are watching them now, too. And when they see how perfectly they're dancing, they cheer loudly. The duo start swinging their hips in sync, one of Mattsun's hands wrapped around Makki's waist and the other holding his hand. Everyone is laughing or clapping and Tooru finds himself doing the same. They're doing the Havana DanceTM flawlessly!

They gaze into each other's eyes mischievously as they dance. They look as focused as they look love sick, and it's very amusing to Tooru. They're whispering to each other when they're face to face, knowing no one can hear them. Makki spins around and laughs as he Mattsun supports his waist. It's precious.

And then Makki turns around and starts rubbing his ass against Mattsun's crouch while he twerks, and Tooru doubles over in laughter. Oh Jesus they look like idiots and it's great! He's seeing something he didn't know he needed to see.

He turns to his other teammates, "have you seen them do that before?" he asks.

Everyone who heard him shook their heads.

"They've been practicing dancing without telling any of us!" Watari tsks and shakes his head, but a small smile shows he's only joking.

"I feel betrayed," Iwaizumi grins.

And he finally makes eye contact with Iwaizumi. He's been trying to refuse since he first arrived and said hi, but now that he started a conversation it's impossible to ignore him.

Iwaizumi's smile softens when his eyes lock with Tooru's. Tooru's heart skips a few beats and he's surprised he didn't die then and there. He remembers his fantasies about Iwa-chan looking at him like that the other night and blushes. Dear god! He can't believe his eyes! Now that those fantasies came true, he doesn't know how to react. So he looks away and stares into his cup instead.

Iwaizumi moves to sit next to him, much to Tooru's poor heart's dismay, and leans against him so Tooru can hear him without having to shout over the music. When their arms brush he feels like he's gonna combust. Tooru can hear his loud heartbeat despite the music. _What the fuck, what is wrong with me?!_ He mentally scolds himself.

Oh right. He's scared Iwaizumi might see through him. He's always been confident that no one can see through his fake smiles. They're too charming and it could fool anyone. But after what Yukki told him today, he's not so sure anymore. Either he's getting weak, or the heartache is too strong to burry deep down and hide. Whichever it is, now he's too afraid to look directly at someone. Especially Iwa-chan, because it's almost impossible for Tooru not to look at him with so much love that Iwaizumi might be able to detect it. He's better at reading Tooru than everyone else, after all.

He's losing his best weapon, and he's terrified.

He takes a deep breath and tries to look at Iwaizumi through the smothering fear. Then he forgets all about it when he takes a good look at him in the dim light. He looks tired. He's got eye bags under his eyes, his skin is pale. How didn't he notice it sooner? Now he feels like a shitty friend for getting so lost in his own problems and forgetting about Iwaizumi.

Tooru tilts his head, "Iwa-chan, are you alright?" he asks with a frown.

"Yeah," Iwaizumi nods, "I'm okay, Oikawa."

Tooru's frown deepens. He is so definitely _not_. He looks exhausted and they didn't even have practice so Iwa-chan can't use this as an excuse. He points his head to the door, "Let's head out and talk." He says with a tone that doesn't take no for an answer. Iwaizumi sighs, but obliges.

They both get up and head out; no one stops them on the way. But Tooru swears he could feel Mattsun's eyes following them

Tooru takes a deep breath of the chilly night air, then turns to face Iwaizumi. He's glaring, but it doesn't hide how washed out he looks. Tooru feels sadness surge through him at the sight. It feels horrible, seeing his best friend that way.

"Now tell me why you look so tired," Tooru jumps to the subject and clears his throat when he hears how weird he sounded.

"Because I'm tired," Iwaizumi rolls his eyes but that doesn't put Tooru off.

"Why?" he asks again.

Iwaizumi pouts, and glares at the ground for a few seconds, and Tooru knows that means he's thinking. He can't be thinking about the answer to Tooru's question (obviously) so he's probably trying to decide if he should tell him the truth or not.

"I was up all night," he finally replies, "studying."

Tooru narrows his eyes. This can't be true. He just knows. The way he hesitated before saying the word "studying" and the way he's kicking the ground with the tip of his toes, and the way he's avoiding Tooru's eyes.

Tooru's whole posture droops. Is this pay back for how he's treated Iwaizumi recently?

"Is this how you're trying to get back at me because I haven't been telling you about my problems?" he voices his thoughts, unable to stop the sadness dripping from he's tone.

Iwaizumi's eyes go wide for a second, then he shakes his head.

"I… no, I mean… I don't know, maybe." He sighs and shakes his head again, like he's trying to physically shoo the thoughts away. "Seriously Oikawa, don't worry. I'm fine; I just couldn't sleep last night for some reason."

Tooru is totally unconvinced. He looks away, but Iwaizumi steps closer and cups his face in both of his hands, making Tooru look into his eyes. Tooru's shiny brown eyes are glassy. He blushes at the contact but can't bring himself to care about the fact that Iwaizumi can see it.

"You promised me you'll tell me when you're ready, yeah?" Iwaizumi asks in a steady voice.

Tooru nods without taking his eyes off of him.

"Then I'll wait. I'm not mad at you, or sad or anything. We're grown-ups; I understand you might want to keep some stuff to yourself." He squeezes Tooru's cheeks into a pout, "And I'm sorry for being childish. I'm not hiding anything from you, I swear. Do you believe me?"

Iwaizumi is so close. So _very_ close. Tooru thinks his soul might have left his body. He nods again. That's literally all he can manage to do when he can see Iwaizumi's determined green eyes so up close. And he can see every feature and every expression so clearly it makes his heart swoon.

Finally Iwaizumi realizes how close he's gotten without noticing, and lets Tooru's face go and steps back. Tooru feels his cheeks burn and wants so desperately to touch them but he refuses to.

Iwaizumi shoots him a small smile and turns towards the door, "let's head inside. We'll miss all the fun."

Tooru still can't talk or think straight, so he nods _again_ and follows Iwaizumi inside.

Goddammit Tooru! Very subtle!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i write this whole chapter just to have Matsun and Makki dance along to Havana? yes and i regret nothing


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to post on fridays...but i'm not sure if i can next week? cuz like i said before, i'm at a point where i don't know what to write-_-  
> i'll try my best anyway!Xx

When the party quieted down a little, Iwaizumi instantly fell asleep. On top of Tooru.

Tooru felt like he might combust. Iwaizumi's head was on his shoulder and Tooru was supporting his whole weight. He could hear Iwa-chan snore softly, he could smell him. And goddamn he smelt good. He didn't move all night in fear of waking Iwaizumi up. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so at peace. He fell asleep too, though he didn't want to. He wanted to stay awake all night at watch Iwaizumi sleep. (Good thing Makki and Mattsun didn't mention it)

And after days he still blushes every time he thinks about it. Right now he's trying to focus on the three-on-three game that's going on and suddenly remembered that feeling when he saw Iwaizumi's determined face. And he couldn't stop himself from comparing this face to his sleeping one. All peaceful and soft.

Ah damn, he's spacing out again.

Good thing he hasn't lost his team any points, it would be so awkward! Just Iwaizumi may have complained about his tosses…a couple of times, a few times… sometimes too high and sometimes too fast. But thanks to Iwaizumi's skills and speed they're fine.

After the game (they won, thankfully), coach Irihata calls them to sit down. Apparently he has some news for them.

"One of the volleyball national players comes to Miyagi tomorrow, and he's having a lecture after the school hours." Coach Irihata explains, "Any school can send a couple of their volleyball players. And I decided to send Oikawa, as the captain, he can teach you everything he finds useful. Also I'm sending Iwaizumi with him so someone is there to make sure he's paying attention."

Everyone giggle and Tooru glares at them. He has run off to his fangirls before, so he doesn't blame the coach for not trusting him. And goddammit…they know Iwa-chan is his weak spot! It's so unfair they send Iwaizumi after him every time. They're abusing this knowledge!

Tooru's heart speeds up. He's going to spend a few hours with Iwaizumi outside of school and he's nervous already. He glances at Iwaizumi's smug face from the corner of his eyes. That little shi- angel is having fun with that! Knowing he's the only one who can control Tooru.

The coach tells them the time and place of the lecture and dismisses them.

Tooru has noticed something lately. He could always feel the sexual tension between Kyoutani and Yahaba. And they flirt a lot. But he doesn't think any of them knows the other is serious. Ah! They have no clue their feeling is mutual. But it's so obvious to Tooru. He can see the irritation in poor Kyouken-chan's face every time Yahaba brushes of his flirting with a laugh.

Tooru is thinking about a plan to help them out. What kind of senpai would he be if he can't help his kohai find love?!

Kyoutani's sharp eyes find Tooru's, they shoot daggers at him. Uh-oh, he noticed Tooru has been prying. Tooru gives him a knowing smirk and looks at Yahaba, and then at Kyoutani again. Kyoutani blushes but glares harder, then looks away and turns his back to Tooru.

This isn't Tooru's first rude kohai; he'll know how to deal with him. A small voice in his head tells him he should worry about his own love life but he quickly shuts it down.

Tomorrow can't come fast enough but it's also too close at the same time. Once again he feels like an idiot for feeling nervous around Iwaizumi, but he can't help it, okay?

Tooru doesn't feel so good.

He's mentally exhausted. But he's going to the lecture now, with Iwaizumi.

There have been a lot of times when he was nervous about spending time with Iwaizumi but after actually spending a couple of minutes with him he'd realized how wrong he was and how easy it is. But now Iwaizumi's presence is not calming him at all. He's dark side of thoughts are taking over. He feels the fresh cuts on his thigh prickle, and each time his pants brush against them, the burn reminds him of how much he hates himself.

The shame makes his chest hurt. And he keeps sighing and taking deep breaths but they only work for a few seconds.

Iwaizumi is saying nothing. They just walk side by side in silence and keep their eyes on the road. Tooru doesn't know if he's disappointed or relieved.

When they go inside and sit down, Tooru recognizes familiar faces all around. Thanks goodness Ushiwaka is not the one coming from Shiratorizawa. But sadly, Chibi-chan and Tobio-chan are sitting right in opposite of him and Iwa-chan.

Ah great. He's feeling even worse now. The small spiker is looking at him too, and then he looks at Iwaizumi. He nudges Tobio with his elbow and points his head towards were Tooru is sitting, Tobio frowns too when he notices them. Tooru glares for a few seconds then turns away to show his disdain. Iwaizumi sighs, looks like he has noticed this encounter, but he doesn't comment on it.

After the crowd is quieted down, the famous volleyball player (who Tooru doesn't bother to remember his name, despite himself) starts talking. Tooru focuses on every word with all his might. He shouldn't miss a word or he will have to answer to the coach later.

But he can't help but feel Iwaizumi, Tobio and Hinata's presence. And it's going on his nerves. They remind him what a failure he is, and how they were able to beat him on their first year. And Iwaizumi… well, he's everything.

After a few minutes Tooru figures he can't really focus, but shouldn't miss anything either. So he unlocks his phone and starts recording.

Goddammit. A few months ago he would have memorized every single word this man was saying. He's lost all his interest. This only makes him feel worse. He drags his hands across his face and takes a deep breath. He should get a grip.

Iwaizumi leans forward in his seat and sighs; Tooru takes a look at him from the corner of his eye to see he's paying close attention.

Welp, at least he's got Iwa-chan to rely on.

He leans back and closes his eyes and tries to calm down. He and Iwaizumi are sitting real close and the brief contact between their shoulders makes him hot and fidgety, so he can't help moving too much in his seat.

He feels eyes on him so he opens his eyes; he's always been perfect at tracking anyone who stared at him. So he immediately comes eye to eye with Hinata. He's staring at him from across the hall. What the heck.

A chill goes through Tooru. Hinata is looking at him like some kind of predator. His eyes are wide open and shine with a golden glow. This is even worse than the way Yukki watched him. With Yukki, he felt like Yukki could see through his soul. But Hinata… he can't even put it into words. He finally blinks but doesn't look away even though Tooru has noticed him now. Hinata looks at Iwaizumi for a second then back to Tooru; he then narrows his eyes at Tooru like he's suspicious. What in heavens can he be suspicious of? This kid is creeping him out.

Hinata didn't turn away his observing gaze through the entire lecture. It made Tooru even more fidgety. But he started ignoring him eventually.

When they finally start to go out and head home, Tooru sighs in relief. He's happy that he recorded from the point he wasn't able to listen anymore; he can listen to it carefully when he's able to. But on the front door, Hinata confronts him.

Tooru looks at him curiously. Tobio is standing a step behind, looking at Tooru with a confused scowl. Both are quiet. Iwaizumi stops too and waits for those two to talk and tell them if they want anything. Hinata focuses his eyes on Tooru and finally says something.

"D-… Oikawa-san, can we talk?" he says in a determined voice. Like he needed all his courage to step up and talk to him.

Tooru tilts his head. What the fuck does this kid want.

"Why?" he asks, trying to keep the curiosity off of his voice and sound neutral.

"I just need your help with something. I think only you would be able to help me. Please?"

Iwaizumi nudges him, giving him the eyes that tell him "you should help your underclassmen, stop being mean." Tooru sighs.

"Okay. Ask away." Tooru says in an annoyed voice, Even though he really isn't angry at this poor child. He's just a young soul, with fresh motivations and dreams. Tooru is just really tired and wants to sleep it off.

"No," Hinata shakes his head, "I want us to be alone. Let's leave Kageyama and Iwaizumi-san behind."

Tooru blinks. Tobio pats Hinata's shoulder and Hinata nods his head. Tobio is asking him with his eyes if he'd be okay. It's quite obvious.

Iwaizumi steps forward and looks into Tooru's eye, "Text me when you get home," he says. Tooru nods. So cheesy. They're doing the same. What good and caring best friends. Tooru can see Tobio and Chibi-chan having a relationship almost as close as him and Iwa-chan. Maybe even closer… since he feels like his romantic feelings for Iwaizumi is distancing them.

So Iwaizumi and Tobio leave.

Hinata starts walking in a direction that Tooru assumes it's random, and fallows him. Hinata's eyes are distance, he has his hands in his pockets and he looks to be thinking how to start a conversation.

"Oikawa-san…" he blushes and ruffles his messy orange hair, "I'm guessing you think I have volleyball related questions… well that's what I wanted Iwaizumi-san and Kageyama believe,"

"What? If not volleyball then what is it?" Tooru raises his eyebrows and asks.

"About you and Iwaizumi-san's relationship…" he stops himself when he notices Tooru isn't walking. He turns his head to see what's wrong.

"Why? What about our relationship?" Tooru snaps, his eyes dark. Even this chucklehead who has candy for brain noticed?! Tooru can't take it anymore!

"Well…" Hinata sighs and rubs the nape of his neck; he's obviously avoiding Tooru's eyes. "I just…thought you're the only one who can relate to me. Since your relationship is very close to mine and Kageyma's…"

Tooru can only stare. He's feeling like an idiot for not knowing what Hinata's talking about. Hinata's frowning now.

"Hinata…" Tooru starts and Hinata's eyes widen. This is the first time he has called him anything other than 'Chibi-chan'. "How is your relationship with Tobio?" he asks firmly, his eyes blank.

"Oh, we've been dating for a while now," Hinata smiles, a little nervously.

Oh god.

Tooru feels like throwing up. Now Tobio is _another_ step ahead of him. He likes his best friend, but he acted on his feelings and didn't chicken out unlike Tooru. And god if Hinata isn't right. They are so alike. But if only Tooru had confessed to, and was already dating Iwaizumi. But he isn't. And that makes them a whole lot different. Tobio-chan is better than him even in dating someone he likes. Tooru chuckles bitterly and looks up at Hinata's face.

"I'm happy for you, Chibi-chan, but we're not the same. Iwa-chan and I aren't dating." He explains in a fake, cheery tone. Hinata's eyes widen for a split second, but then he nods.

"That so?" he starts walking again before saying, "I could guess, but I hoped I was wrong."

Tooru follows him despite his whole being telling him to run and run until he's sure he'll never see Tobio-chan and his cute little boyfriend again.

Hinata has put his hands in his pockets again. He looks at the sky for a long moment before saying, "why haven't you told him?"

"How do you know that I like him?"

"By simply connecting the dots," Hinata shrugs, "and by hearing Kageyama talk about you two,"

"You do know how to connect the dots? I'm surprised your brain actually works outside of volleyball, Chibi-chan." Tooru smirks and raises one eyebrow.

Hinata blushes and gives him an offended look, "I knew by personal experience! I had no idea before I was sure about my feelings for Kageyama, and then seeing you today."

Tooru hums. So Kageyama has talked about Tooru and Iwaizumi, and Hinata has thought, "Damn, that shit is gay"? Tooru giggles at the ridiculousness of it all.

"What has Tobio-chan told you about us?" he can't help but ask.

Hinata glares at him, "Why haven't you told him?"

"Why hasn't he told me?" he knows Hinata just avoided his question but he rolls with it, "if he likes me," he adds.

"The same reason you haven't told him." Hinata says pointedly. A small voice at the back of his head says Hinata has a point.

Hinata finds a bench on the sidewalk facing a green area and sits down. Tooru sighs and sits with a considerable distance between them.

"Oh he doesn't like me that way." Tooru says matter-of-factly, "I know for a fact that he loves me, but just as friends."

Why is he talking about this to this kid? Maybe Hinata was right, it's good to find someone in the same situation as yourself.

"I don't think that's true. This is just what you've convinced yourself to believe."

Tooru's head turns to frown at Hinata.

"Why do _you_ believe that?"

"I've seen you two around each other, and I've heard so much about your chemistry from Kageyama. He was just saying those stuff without realizing how…romantic they sounded."

"Impossible," Tooru scuffs.

Hinata glares at him. Then he snaps, "Yeah I think I know what impossible is like considering I had believed that Kageyama only sees me as a rival who isn't even worthy enough of his attention and rivalry. Okay? If something is supposed to be impossible, _that_ is. But it wasn't. It happened. I believed he hated me but he loved me back. So you believe someone who cares deeply for you, has physically and mentally connected with you, who can read your mind with just a glance at your eyes, can't love you back? Are you mad?! I honestly thought you were secret boyfriends!"

Tooru only blinks. Hinata looks…wild. His eyes are wide open and his face is flushed, his red bird nest of hair only adds to his wild features. It shows how heated he is about this. Tooru takes a deep breath.

"I… I just can't see your point of view. Don't you think all of those are possible with someone who only sees you like a… like a brother?" he flinches as he says the last word but quickly composes himself.

"It is possible." Hinata leans back like he wasn't snapping at Tooru like a wild crow just a minute ago. "But not in Iwaizumi-san's case. He's smitten."

Tooru blushes furiously. Just the fact that others think Iwaizumi loves him excites him. That annoying little noise in the back of his head keeps probing, trying to tell him that Hinata is right. But what he hates the most is his hopes getting crushed. So he's not going to allow himself any false hope.

Hinata chuckles, "you really do find it impossible, don't you?" he asks softly.

"I don't know if it's worth the risk, Chibi-chan. What I have with Iwa-chan goes deeper than yours with Tobio. You could confess easily because it didn't mean losing your life-long best friend if he didn't feel the same." Tooru explains kindly, to show he appreciates Hinata's insistence in the matter.

Hinata tilts his head like a confused bird. Seriously, he literally is a crow. It's scary.

"Think of what you just said," he finally says. Tooru only stares, because he said a lot of stuff right now and there's no way for him to know which part Hinata is pointing at. "What you two have is very deep,"

Tooru still doesn't reply.

Hinata rolls his eyes and huffs. "So nothing's at risk. Seriously, Daiousama, you should be smarter than that. If the roots of your friendship run as deep as you say nothing as small as catching feelings is going to ruin it."

"Tch. Now you know how to talk like a literature teacher?" Tooru smirks and Hinata gets flustered and mumbles something like "I've been studying more". Tooru finally gets serious "I think you're right."

"You do?" Hinata's eyes brighten and he beams.

"Yeah, I'll definitely give it a thought. You should know that I can't just go ahead and tell him, right? I should plan it."

Hinata nods quickly and he's hair bobs against his head. Tooru needs to physically stop himself from reaching and pulling at those orange curls. He gives in to the feeling (but doesn't pull), and caresses Hinata's fluffy hair and says, "Then I'll hopefully be able to give you the advice you wish for."

Hinata glances up at Tooru's hand in his hair but he ignores it and grins widely. "I was the one who gave you advice instead, haha."

"You really did," Tooru smiles widely.

Hinata is quiet for a moment. He starts playing with the straps of his bag, then turns his head to look at Tooru and says, "Can we exchange numbers?"

Tooru sighs but agrees.

Hinata puts his phone back into his bag and jumps up, "let's go home now!"

Tooru smiles, he may be only a few years older than Hinata, but even if Tooru's soul wasn't old and dark, Hinata is too innocent for his age. It actually makes Tooru feel warm inside and envy him a little. But he's happy for this little shit; he secretly hopes this chibi volleyball player can achieve all his dreams and doesn't end up like him.

"Good luck, Daiousama!" Hinata exclaims and waves before running down the road that takes him home.

Tooru didn't tell him the truth. He lied like a pro; he didn't let this pure soul know that he wasn't going to act on his feelings. He knew it was going to be a long, long night…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact  
> i wrote this whole fanfic only because i wanted Oikawa and Hinata have this conversation (also because i needed to vent hehe)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have nothing to say to defend myself...except maybe **writers block**..?

Tooru has heard the statement "you look like a zombie" a dozen times today. He knows they're right. He knows it's true, but all his life he's only heard compliments, so he's a bit hurt. Last night was exactly as horrible as he had imagined. He was exhausted but the thoughts wouldn't let him sleep. He sat in his bed, blade in hand, for hours. Eyes barely open, moving the blade across his skin absentmindedly. But since his hand was weak and tired, the cuts weren't deep, fortunately. But they still hurt with every movement, so because of that (and his horrible hair and eye bags) he decided to stay in class even at breaks.

Last night, because he was feeling horrible, he forgot to text Iwaizumi despite promising him to when he got home. Iwaizumi was pissed about it; Tooru could see it even though Iwaizumi was trying hard not to show it. Maybe he had felt Tooru's mood and decided not to push. This is both nice and terrifying. Tooru doesn't like to know what Iwaizumi might be thinking; since he didn't ask, he must be trying to guess what Hinata could have possibly done to wreck Tooru like this. But on the other hand, having someone who can sense his bad moods and know when exactly to comment on it was nice. All these mixed feelings are too much for him honestly.

He's doodling on his note book while thinking about all the things that kept him up the night before. He kinda is terrible at drawing, but he doesn't care that much. He draws eyes and stars and sometimes writes down song lyrics that repeat in his head _. 'What the hell is wrong with me? This isn't who I'm supposed to be!' 'You kiss away all of my pain you wash away these bloody stains you are to blame my suffering' 'you make me wanna slit my wrist and play in my own blood. You make me wanna kill myself just for the fucking fun!'_

He catches a glimpse of silver from the corner of his eye. He turns his head to look and figures it was a book. A girl is reading a book with a silver cover. He cranes his neck to read the title; it says 'Thirteen Reasons Why'. His curiosity piqued, he stands up to talk to his classmate and take a look at her book.

"Hey, can I see what you're reading?" he asks politely, hands clasped together behind him.

The girl looks up. She glances at his smiling lips and holds up the book.

"Oh of course," she says, and keeps her eyes on him while he's reading the back cover.

He feels a little something in his heart after finding out what the book is about. He's not sure if reading it is a good idea or not, but he decides he really wants to. He places the book back down on her table and shoots her a big smile.

"It looks very interesting; can I borrow it? after you're done with it of course!"

"You can have it now," She holds the book out to him with both hands. When she sees his hesitation she explains with a smile, "I've read it a thousand times. I was just rereading it; I do that when I'm bored."

Tooru accepts the book, "Thank you! I'll give it back to you in this same class when I'm done with it?"

"Okay!" she nods her head.

He sits back down and immediately opens page one to start reading.

It's only been a few days since the first time Tooru went out on a date with Yukki. He suddenly shows up for Tooru's practice. Yahaba notices him first.

"What's Imai doing here?" he asks in a confused voice.

Tooru looks at the doors with curiosity, and beams when he sees Yukki looking around for him.

"Oh, that’s Yukki!" Tooru says, at that Mattsun's attention is piqued. Tooru makes for the door to stop Yukki from looking so lost.

Yukki's eyes twinkle when he spots Tooru, he runs towards him but doesn't hug him even though it looks like he really wants to. He stops before Tooru and grins.

"Hello, Oikawa-senpai,"

"Hi there, Yukki," Tooru grins in return, "What are you doing here?"

"Just here to see you, you know with you being too busy we’re not able to meet up often enough," he's reaching into his bag as he talks, "also to bring you some snacks!"

Tooru's eyes widen when Yukki offers him a paper bag full of snacks. Tooru slowly reaches for them, eyes wide, and speechless.

Yukki chuckles, "what's with that face?" he asks and bends his waist to get closer to Tooru.

"Oh, nothing," Tooru quickly softens his expression and smiles, "that's very kind of you, Yukki! Thanks."

"Anything for you, Oikawa-senpai," he winks, "Tell me if I'm wasting your time, though! I don't want to bother,"

"Oh you're not a bother at all," a voice behind Tooru makes them jump. It's Mattsun, followed by Hanamaki. Makki is smirking, and Matsukawa is scowling. It's obvious he disapproves; Tooru feels upset but he understands.

"You're totally welcome. We just wish we had the pleasure of meeting you sooner," Hanamaki drawls with a smirk, seeming unaware of his boyfriend's displeasure.

Yukki just stares at Makki with shocked, wide eyes. Everyone, including Tooru, is confused.

Makki raises a delicate brow. "What?"

Yukki snaps out of it and smiles charmingly before explaining, "Sorry, hearing your voice shocked me for a second. You look all soft and cute with that pink hair, but then you open your mouth and suddenly Thor is in front of me."

All three of them laugh and Yukki grins proudly. Tooru covers his mouth and wheezes, "Fuck, you're absolutely right!"

Makki looks amused and his smirk is even wider now. Of course he'd be proud of his Thor-like voice. But Tooru blushes when he asks, "Why didn't you tell us you had a boyfriend, Oikawa?"

"Uh well… I was waiting for things to get more serious between us, y'know?" Yukki smiles affectionately at him after he says that.

Yukki waves at Yahaba and he waves back before getting back to playing. Tooru, the eye detector that he is, feels eyes on him, so he turns and sees Iwaizumi spinning a ball and looking his way with an unreadable expression. Tooru's heart skips a beat. He really didn't want Iwaizumi to see Yukki _again_ , so he's kinda glad he hasn't approached them…yet.

Yukki follows Tooru's stare, so Tooru looks away fast and smiles at him again, this time his smile is a bit forced. Iwaizumi is giving off a weird aura…Tooru doesn't know what to make of it. Now Yukki's eyes are narrowed too… oh no. He moves to action quickly; he wraps an arm around Yukki and exclaims, "So I'm gonna show Yukki out, say our farewell and all, you know!" and then shoves a confused Yukki out the door.

When they're out of the gymnasium, Tooru sighs, and faces Yukki.

"What was that?" Yukki asks, but he doesn't look offended or angry.

"Oh, y'know," Tooru blushes and rubs his nape, "I didn't want them to start teasing us… they would never stop. I just thought it was a little too soon for that. Our relationship is still fragile for that crap."

Yukki grins happily and Tooru thanks the gods for being able to come up with lies so fast. Yukki leans in and kisses Tooru's cheek softly, just a brief caress of lips.

"If you're willing to take it further, I'm always ready for it." He whispers.

Tooru chuckles and strokes Yukki's hair. He doesn't know what to say to that. It's really hard for him to decide, because he feels like he's using Yukki. Even if he's sure he'd be able to love Yukki that way, he's still not over Iwaizumi.

In fact, he doesn't want to be.

As he watches Yukki go, he thinks about this fact. He _loves_ loving Iwaizumi; he enjoys hurting for him. He might have gone insane, but he thinks Iwaizumi deserves it all. He's worthy of all the pain Tooru endures 'cause of his love. He would keep hurting for a thousand years more, because this is Iwaizumi Hajime, Tooru's first love, and he'll likely be the last. Tooru wants it that way. _The lingering pain in his chest?_ Is welcome now. It can stay for the rest of eternity for all he cares. He finds he's always craving for that ache. He misses it when it's gone. That's why he listens to those triggering songs; they remind him again, make him ache again. And he embraces it. And with every cut he makes on his thighs, he makes the invisible pain show on his body. Yes, his addicted to that feeling, to being in love with Iwaizumi. He doesn't want to move on.

And he might be cruel to be leading Yukki on like this, but he doesn't want to think or care about this matter. He's a good distraction and friend. He might tell Yukki about this somewhat painful fact one day, but not yet.

★★★

Matsukawa must be still a bit annoyed about Tooru having a boyfriend who is not Iwaizumi, 'cause he hasn't sent Tooru any other songs by the time he usually does. Tooru sighs after checking his phone, listening to the old ones. So when his phone vibrates, he expects it to be Mattsun, not Hinata.

**< <hi there Daiousama! >V< is this ok?**

**> >hello Chibi-chan. What is ok exactly?**

**< <me texting you**

**> >yea I don't mind**

**< <that's great thank you! ^~^how are things with Iwaizumi-san?**

**> >nothing…**

**< <WHAT! You said you wanted to confess!**

**> >no, what I said was that I should plan it first**

**< <ok so what's the plan?**

Tooru stops to think for a moment. He'd be lying if he said he hasn't thought about ways to declare his love to Iwaizumi. Some of his fantasies were dramatic, some were romantic and sweet, and some were, realistically, awkward with blushing faces, stuttering and trapped tongues. They were all nice at the end, well, before he would open his eyes and realize all was an impossible dream.

He decides to just tell Hinata about one of the more realistic "plans".

**> >ok well first I would ask him to come over to my place and make him think it's just a normal study session like all the other times. But I'd make the house look very romantic with scent candles and roses so when he comes in I shout I LOVE YOU and shock him. That sounds more like a proposal tho, so maybe not**

**< <well as you said that's very romantic :D**

**> >and silly**

**< <not silly. He'd definitely say yes**

**> >he'd most likely just smack me in the head for being a drama queen XD**

**< <well that too, but he would still say I LOVE YOU TOO!**

It's nice to dream. Iwaizumi being his grumpy self and complain a little but still accepting _and_ returning Tooru's feelings. He decides to change the subject.

**> >how are you and Tobio-chan?**

**< <we're ok ^_^**

**> >totally?**

**< <totally! He's opening up to me nicely**

**> >yea I was worried about THAT. Is he really?**

**< <yup. He's still awkward as shit, but I love him for being like that**

**> >ah, the joy of first love**

**< <Oikawa-san don't pretend Iwaizumi-san isn't your first love :/**

**> >I'm not in that sappy level yet**

**< <and whose fault is that?**

**> >now now Chibi-chan it's not nice to rub it in my face like that**

**< <your own fault**

**< <not mine**

**> >mean Chibi!**

**< < :D im kind and gentle 0:)**

**> >your cute appearance is just a disguise for the monster within**

**< <do you really think that?:(**

**> >ofcourse not im only joking**

**< <phew! For a second I thought my brilliant disguise was discovered**

Tooru barks out a surprised laugh. That damn Chibi is funny too. Lucky Tobio. Tooru finally closes the TRW book, realizing he's not gonna be able to read any tonight. He's already almost half way through. It really does him no good, especially when he accompanies it with his dark music. But he really loves it. When his phone buzzes again he finds he was deep in thought and forgot to reply to Hinata.

**< <R u gone Daiousama?**

**< <i won't bother u anymore. im gonna sleep now**

**< <GN and good luck with Iwaizumi-san**

Tooru can deduce from the lazy texting that Hinata is really sleepy.

**> >good night Chibi-chan**

He puts his phone away, but as soon as he opens the book, he receives another text. He sighs and checks to see it's from Yukki this time. So everyone but Mattsun is gonna message him tonight?

**< <hey.u awake?**

**> >hi Yukki. How r u**

**< <im ok thanks. Just wanted to say your teammates are really nice!**

**> >u think so?**

**< <yes!they were really accepting. It's a relief**

**> >oh, you were worried they'd be homophobic**

**< <can u blame me for that?**

**> >not really. Some people even if they don't outright bully gays, they still act weird around them.but not with my brilliant teammates. Half of us r gay XD**

**< <please tell me ur not exaggerating**

**> >im not**

**< <fuck.lucky you**

**> >you have homophobic friends don't you**

**< <yea…both the bully kind and weird kind**

**> >oh.im sorry**

**< <nah it's ok.i would never allow them to bitch me.and I haven't come out to them…yet**

**> >well good luck on that Yukki :)**

**< <thanks. Im not wasting precious time am i? I'd be glad if we could just chat more**

**> >no you're not. I have time and I'm not gonna sleep yet**

**< <yaaay!**

**> >tell me more about your teammates, Yukki-chan**

Tooru lies down after turning the lights off, pulls his blanket over himself and gets ready for a long chat with his almost-boyfriend. Change of plan; no angry cuts on his skin tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> [ My suffering ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j3CwVAAxQ-o) and [ Inside of me ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2BtjKXwBt0Y) by Dead By Sunrise  
> [ What you need ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sSCBbbL7L54) by Bring Me The Horizon


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me at instagram as [ @errerri_jaegerman ](https://instagram.com/errerri_jaegerman?igshid=15z2b23ky4z57) and twitter as [ @Nameless_Hanna ](https://twitter.com/nameless_hanna) and tumblr [ ThePInLGBTQA ](https://thepinlgbtqa.tumblr.com/)  
> i'd be glad if you follow me :D

Tooru smiles at Yukki's laughing face. He's been spending this whole day with Yukki, and he kinda loves his company. But he misses Iwaizumi's already, nothing compares to him though. He's snapped out of his thoughts when Yukki sighs.

"You're so beautiful when you smile like that, Oikawa-senpai." Yukki says in a dreamy tone.

Tooru blushes. "Thanks. You have a beautiful laugh, too." He compliments Yukki back and now they're both blushing.

They're sitting in Tooru's room, Tooru told his mom he's gonna help his second year friend study. But they've been talking and flirting all this time. That's all they have done, they held hands for a while, nothing more. Tooru doesn't know how Yukki feels about this. He wouldn't say no if Yukki wanted more… _probably_ wouldn't say no.

"Can I kiss you?" Yukki asks with a small smile.

Ah, now it's time for him to decide to say yes or not. The time came sooner than he expected.

"Yes," Tooru whispers and leans forward.

It's a small kiss, only a little movement of lips; no teeth, no tongue. A tad wet, very sweet. Yukki's lips are really soft and smooth; it makes him think of Iwaizumi and wonder if his lips feel like this too…

Oh no.

No, no. this is so wrong. It's wrong to think of someone else when you're kissing your boyfriend. Tooru is a horrible, horrible human being.

He pulls back slowly and stares at Yukki's lips with half lidded eyes while Yukki tucks a strand of Tooru's hair behind his ear.

"You're a good kisser, just like I expected." Yukki whispers.

"This isn't all I'm good at," Tooru smirks and raises his eyebrows.

"I know," Yukki giggles. "But if you show me right now, I can promise you I will embarrass myself. Better wait until I'm ready for that,"

Tooru smirks and sits upright again. He still feels like a bitch, but he ignores it for now. He knows well what's gonna happen when Yukki's gone.

Maybe he should invite Yukki to stay the night? What if he gets the wrong idea, though?

"What are you thinking about, Oikawa-senpai?" when Yukki asks curiously, Tooru realizes he's been spacing out.

"I was thinking whether to ask you to sleep over or not," Tooru voices his thoughts. When he sees Yukki hesitate and blush, he adds with an evil smirk, "You're sleeping on the ground though. I heard you when you said you're not ready to embarrass yourself."

Yukki snickers, "in that case okay, I'll spend the night. Thanks for being considerate, senpai."

"I think it's time for you to call me by my first name, Yukki-Chan," Tooru wiggles his eyebrows.

Yukki turns red. "Only when we're alone,"

"But we _are_ alone," Tooru points out.

"Okay then, thanks, Tooru." His blush reaches his ears after saying Tooru's name. That makes Tooru laugh and Yukki scolds him playfully.

To their relief, but each for different reasons, they spend the night just like their day. They kiss once or twice but nothing more happens. Yukki sleeps on the ground next to Tooru's bed, wrapped in soft and fluffy blankets. He looks comfortable so Tooru sleeps easily. Good thing he didn't allow himself to be alone, right?

The next morning, Yukki leaves soon after breakfast, declaring he has promised his mom to do that. Saying goodbye is a little bit awkward, with Tooru's mom being there and all. So there was no goodbye kiss, Yukki seemed a little heartbroken by that and it made Tooru snicker.

He's going back to his room when his phone vibrates. When he sees Iwaizumi's name flash in the screen of his phone, his stomach flutters.

"Hello Iwa-chan." He tries to sound normal, and wishes he doesn't sound weird for trying too hard…fuck.

"Hi Oikawa, what you've been up to?" Iwaizumi asks, and Tooru feels a little bad for not hanging out with him yesterday.

"Oh I was seeing Yukki out, he just left."

"He was there?"

"Yeah, he slept over." Tooru is not sure telling him that was a good idea or not. But Iwaizumi is his best friend and _not_ telling him about how he has spent his weekend would be weird. "So I have to catch up on my homework today. No time to waste. So it's gonna be boring. Can't you come here?"

"Nope, you know I'd be more of a distraction than helpful, trashkawa."

Tooru senses something unnerving in Iwaizumi's voice, but doesn't comment on it. He sighs dramatically. "I knew you would say that. Sorry we didn't get to meet up-"

"Don't apologize, it's fine. You better study, okay?"

"Yes sir. You care about my grades more than I do myself for some reason." Tooru says playfully.

Iwaizumi scoffs. "You need someone to babysit you. I wouldn't have to, if you did it like rational human beings do."

"Okay, okay. You can go do your own homework… or have fun, if you've already done that. See ya at practice tomorrow, Iwa-chan."

"See ya, trachkawa."

***

Hajime has spent many sleepless nights because of Oikawa, but recently it has gained an entirely different reason. He was worried sick, because Oikawa had changed. He's not as cheery and proud anymore; he's quiet, dissociable and distant. And worst of all he wouldn't admit it or talk about it, not with Hajime at least. He hates seeing his best friend like this and knowing there's nothing he can do about it-or even if there is, Oikawa is not letting him do anything.

But now, he's feeling even worse, he's surprised that's even possible. Oikawa is dating someone now, and Hajime hates seeing them together (or even the idea of them together. Why did he even deliver that letter? Maybe 'cause he doesn't want to be a bad friend. Or worse, a jealous one.)

So yeah, Oikawa has a boyfriend, and they have spent a night together already.

He hears his phone ring and blindly reaches for it, he finds it where he had left it by his thigh when he lied down, and picks up without checking the caller.

"Hello?" he grunts lazily. He really isn't in the mood for anything today; he's been lying down and staring at the ceiling for a long time now.

"Yo Iwaizumi, how's it been?" Matsukawa's drawly voice answers him.

"Ah, you know, same old shit." He sighs then rolls over to lie on his side.

"Wanna hang out?"

"Not really…"

"Great, I'll come over." He says like he wants to hang up a second later.

"What the fuck, Matsu-…" Hajime tries to stop him but Matsukawa interrupts him.

"I know that tone, you're not feeling okay. I _am_ coming over and you can't stop me." Hearing this, Hajime knows there's no stopping him now.

Hajime scoffs. "Whatever. See you, then." He hangs up then, and gets up to tidy up his room a little before Mattsun arrives.

Mattsun has always been amazing at understanding his friends, and Hajime knows that, that's why he asked _him_ to talk to Oikawa, but seems like it's his turn to have a counseling session with Mattsun. It's not like this is the first time, no, but it hasn't been as serious. They always talk casually just like all close friends do. But his talk with Oikawa has been serious, so it seemed; Mattsun never told him what Oikawa's problem was, claimed it was Oikawa's to do.

Hajime's heart aches with the thought of Oikawa.

Hajime is spending a weekend without him for the first time in years; only 'cause Oikawa has a boyfriend now, and wants to be with him… Hajime sits on the bed again and throws the shirt he was holding across the room. It hurts too badly. He literally can't stay up on his legs, so he forgets about his messy room (it's only Mattsun anyway, who cares?)

He pushes his palms over his eyes and tries not to imagine what they might have done last night. But it can't be stopped. He sees that pretty boy hug Oikawa, kiss him on the lips, touch him in places he's never been touched before. Hajime always wanted to be Oikawa's first; he wanted them to be each other's first. But someone else is taking this away from him; someone else is taking his Oikawa away from him. He cannot take it, but his mind is betraying him by conjuring up images of Oikawa all naked and happy under that Imai guy, pleasure showing clearly on his face and moaning a name that's not Hajime's.

Hajime isn't sure when he started crying. But it can't be stopped now, tremors are shaking his whole body, and Matsukawa is gonna see him like this.

 _Goddammit Mattsun_ , he's thinking, _I've been able to stop this from happening but no you decided to remind me of it by calling!_

He hears his bedroom door open, he prays to god it's not a member of his family, but doesn't lift his head and keeps crying on his palms. He recognizes the arms that wrap around him as Mattsun's, and relaxes a little.

Mattsun just holds him quietly and lets him cry all his tears dry. But that's gonna take forever, so Hajime pulls back after a while. He wipes his right eye and grunts, "This is your fault,"

Mattsun looks scandalized. "How is this my fault?"

"You decided to come over and remind me why I was moody in the first place…" Hajime curses the tears for not stopping. No matter how many times he wipes his face, new drops replace them.

Mattsun sighs and gets up to bring him a tissue. Hajime thanks him with a nod and wipes his nose with it. Mattsun observes him for a moment before saying, "I wouldn't call this _moody_ , Iwaizumi. What happened?"

Hajime doesn't reply. He stares at the wall ahead so he wouldn't have to look Mattsun in the eyes. And he's definitely an ugly crier so…

"Is this about Oikawa being in a relationship?" Mattsun asks cautiously, slowly.

More tears come, and this answers Mattsun enough. Before Matsukawa can say anything else, Hajime groans and hides his face before saying, "he called me, they were together last night. In one room, in one bed-"

Mattsun's eyes widen, he starts, "are you serious-"

"I'm too late, Mattsun! I lost my chance…" Hajime interrupts him.

"Yeah, I told you you shouldn't wait for him to confess first."

"And I told you why I was doing that!" Hajime snaps and finally looks at Matsukawa to glare at him. Then he shakes his head. "He never liked me back. Or worse, now he's moving on!"

"I think you should tell him."

"Yeah, and look pathetic as shit." Hajime sneers. "I already look pathetic, but at least he can't see me."

"I never thought you were pathetic, but that was before you said that." Matsukawa says and wrinkles his nose.

"I… I'm not gonna say anything now. Just as I wasn't going to before he started dating. Maybe he's got a chance with this new guy and I don't want to ruin it." His heart tightens as he says these words, but he knows that's what he's gonna do. He wouldn't ruin Oikawa's chance at being happy for his own happiness. Never.

"Do you really think he'd be happier with that guy than you?" Mattsun asks after a long pause.

"It's not like he's losing me. He'll have me forever, but as friends not lovers." He says with a clear voice, but the tears flowing from his eyes shows how he's really feeling.

"This isn't going to be enough for neither of you."

"I'm not so sure about him anymore, Matsukawa." Hajime says sadly, "it has to be enough. It has to."

Mattsun holds him as he breaks. He lets Hajime soak his shoulder with his tears without saying anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't planning on writing in Iwaizumi's POV, but i liked how it turned out :D what about you? please let me know ^~^
> 
> I made a Doctor Who reference in this chapter did anyone notice?


	16. Chapter 16

_If my love were an ocean,  
there would be no more land.  
If my love were a desert,  
you would see only sand.  
If my love were a star-  
late at night, only light.  
And if my love could grow wings,  
I'd be soaring in flight._

_Sometimes we have thoughts that even we don't understand. Thoughts that aren’t even true- that aren't really how we feel—but they're running through our heads anyway because they're interesting to think about._

Mattsun comes to sit next to him at lunch, and when he sees what Tooru's reading he wrinkles his nose disapprovingly, and shakes his head with actual disappointment. Tooru sighs and puts away the TRW book.

"What is it, Mattsun?" he asks with raised eyebrows.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" Tooru frowns.

"Basically with your life. That book isn't good for you, but I'm guessing you know this yourself, so I'm gonna let that drop." He sighs and continues softly, "are you sure what you're doing with Imai is what you want?"

Tooru holds the book tighter in his hands and purses his lips.

"Oikawa, you know I would support you in anything, and if you're moving on and think he's helping, that's cool. But if you're just using him…" Mattsun pauses to read Tooru's reaction; which he knows is impossible for anyone other than him and Iwaizumi to notice, then his eyes widen. "Are you using him?!"

"I don't know." Tooru whispers. "but, I know that I'm not moving on,"

"Then what, hm? Have you thought what they might feel? Imai, if he knew there wasn't a chance you could love him back, and Iwaizumi-"

"Iwaizumi what?" Tooru snaps.

"He could be jealous," Mattsun says doubtfully.

"Why would he be jealous?" Tooru asks with a frown. There was no way…

"Because he loves you too, you idiot,"

Tooru scoffs, "You sound so sure,"

"Yeah because I know you both and I'm telling you, he doesn't like seeing you with that guy." Matsukawa says with a roll of his eyes.

"I've had girlfriends, and he never cared." Tooru says, his eyes are distance and his grip on the book is slack.

"Yeah, well, I bet he did, but this is different-"

"How? How is it different?"

"I guess the fact that you're dating a _guy_ now makes it worse?" Mattsun shrugs. "Could have a lot of reasons. But anyway, I would consider their feelings too, if I were you. You'll regret it if something goes terribly wrong, so…"

_No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people._

Maybe Mattsun is right. Yeah, he is right. Tooru knows he's being arrogant and selfish. But he decided he doesn't care. That kind of makes him even more of a horrible human being, but whenever he finds a place in himself to care, he will spare Yukki a massive heartbreak. Just… maybe.

_Everything…affects everything._

Before reading TRW, Tooru had never thought of who would find his body if he killed himself. The only way of doing it was always his blade, but he never thought of his family finally finding him in a pool of blood, limp and pale and very much dead. He shivers. That picture feels so real.

The other thing he hasn't given much thought is his last words to the people around him. Maybe he would tell everyone he loves them? Because unlike Hannah's story, it's no one's fault, it's only his. His biggest enemy is himself. Maybe at the end, he'd be the one to take him out.

Huh.

This book is certainly making him overthink even more than before. But Mattsun was wrong, it _is_ helping. He is putting himself not in Hannah's place, but the others. Her family and friends, her love interest, anyone who cared at least a little bit (he knows his situation is so very different, he's not an idiot thank you very much.)

So no. no one is going to find his lifeless body, and even if they did, he wouldn't be the one who put it there.

Reading Thirteen Reasons Why made him even more persistent on his decision to stay alive. He could list his reasons, and none would make sense. And like stated earlier, he is not stupid.

But something still remains: is the darkness inside him strong enough to swallow him whole? Can he beat it?

_But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since i had mentioned that Oikawa was reading 13 Reasons Why it seemed like it was relevant to the plot so i had to write what kinda impact it had over his life... so this boring chapter was born. for a better, longer chapter, just click/tap on next :)


	17. Chapter 17

Tooru is lying on his stomach on Iwaizumi's bed, holding his biology text book open while trying to understand what Iwaizumi is explaining. Iwaizumi almost never allows him to come over for study sessions, _you'll end up goofing around and we'll do everything_ but _study, we'll fail and we can't have that on our last year_ , he claims.

Also Tooru usually never needs help in his studies; neither does Iwaizumi, that's why he always says no. But this time, Tooru really had trouble understanding this lesson. It's not like he's bad at biology, no, but this lesson was very difficult for him to grasp, and Iwa-chan could sense that. That's why he finally let Tooru come over and stay the night.

Tooru knows Iwaizumi wouldn't let him unless he's one hundred percent sure Tooru has learnt everything, so Tooru focuses on everything the hot-ass love of his life is saying without drooling over him(which is very difficult, mind you. But he's trying, for god's sake.)

"Okay so let's go over the definitions one more time; a chromosome?" Iwaizumi asks.

"A chromosome is made from tightly packed strands of DNA and proteins," Tooru recites from memory, Iwaizumi is watching him expectantly which means Tooru has left something out. "Oh the proteins are called histones!" he exclaims after thinking for a second.

"What's a chromatid?"

"Strands of DNA are tightly wrapped around the histone proteins and form into long structures called chromatids. Two chromatids form a chromosome."

Iwaizumi smiles and nods and asks him a few more questions that actually get more difficult than just simple definitions. But he manages to answer them all and this seems to satisfy Iwaizumi. When he smiles proudly at Tooru, Tooru feels warm all over. He's very proud of himself, he actually managed to learn very fast (without spacing out even once!) so they can just hang and forget about school for now.

Tooru turns to lie on his back and stretches his arms when Iwaizumi asks, "What do you wanna do now?"

"Hmmm I don't know, catch up?"

Iwaizumi smiles down at him, making Tooru's heart flutter, and then lays back on the wall. "Yeah why not,"

"Iwa-chan do I ever make you feel like we're… like, a bit awkward together nowadays? I'm not saying I'm feeling like that! I just don't want to make _you_ feel like that,"

"No, 'course not, Oikawa," Iwaizumi says reassuringly, but his lifted eyebrow shows he doesn't even know why there is a need for that. "We're as good as always."

"Uh-huh, that's good."

There's silence between them, but it's not uncomfortable. Until Iwaizumi finally breaks it by saying, "and I wanted to tell you something,"

Tooru lazily hums for Iwaizumi to continue.

"That day when you came out to us as gay, I got curious to figure out my own sexuality, so I started researching, and…"

Tooru perks up at that, his comfortable laziness all gone in a second. He lifts himself up on one elbow to look at Iwaizumi's bashful face, "and?" he prompts Iwaizumi to continue, unable to hide his excitement.

"Well… I read about many sexualities and read the things people of any of those groups had to say about how they feel and all…" he reaches blindly for his soft pillow and hugs it to his chest before finally spilling the beans, "I figured I'm most probably demi-sexual."

Tooru blinks. Demi-sexual. He knows about that, it's just not what he expected. (It does match Iwa-chan, if he thinks about it.)

"I just… I realized I've never felt any sexual attraction towards anyone except the one I love. And I've been around teenage boys, since I am one, you know? They just obsess over girls who are somewhat _thick_ ," he makes air quoted while saying the word thick. "Or, in my very gay teammates' case: over handsome guys, and how much they want to fuck them and all this kinda dirty stuff. But then I paid more attention to myself, do I ever feel that? No, I never do. I just listen and nod along not to look out of place. But after reading everything about asexuality, I knew I'm not ace."

"How come?" Tooru asks, trying to push down the lump in his throat. _Except the one I love_ repeats in his ears, he can't ignore how specific that statement sounded. His heart is beating so fast he can practically feel it in his ears. But he's determined to hear Iwaizumi out and not miss a word, so he ignores his feelings.

"Because I _have_ felt sexual attraction and I do have sex fantasies about a person and only one person." Iwaizumi explains. He rests his chin on the fluffy pillow he's cuddling and this makes him look so small and cute Tooru wants to hug the shit out of him.

But what he does is nod and say, "Yeah that does make you demi, Iwa-chan." He grins and Iwaizumi glares at him but there is no real spite behind it. He sits up and crosses his legs. Seems like Iwaizumi has said his share, so it's time for Tooru to ask questions and see if Iwaizumi is okay with telling him more, "what about romantic attraction, though?"

"Huh?"

"Demi-sexual does not specify what gender you're attracted to, Iwa-chan. So are you like, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic? Or heteroromantic?"

"You're a curious little thing, aren't you?" Iwaizumi grumbles, Tooru only shrugs and grins(yeah he's _curious_ , not _nosy_.) "I'm homoromantic. There, you have it. Do what you wish with this information."

Okay so Iwa-chan is homoromantic. Nice. There is not much you can do with information you have about your best friend, but that does not matter, it's nice to know your friends better. I guess.

Tooru's terrified to ask about the person Iwaizumi has dirty fantasies about. Could it be him? The thought of Iwa-chan thinking about fucking him and _enjoying it_ makes him blush. He clears his throat and shoos those thoughts away.

"Any chance for you to tell me who is the lucky person who makes you go out of your way and get dirty?" he asks playfully and wiggles his eyebrows.

"Enough curiosity for today, Kuzukawa." Iwaizumi answers with a smirk.

_(Shit he's gorgeous!)_

"Iwa-chan is so mean!" Tooru whines and pouts. He already expected no answer anyway, but it doesn't hurt to tease Iwa-chan a little bit. "Why do you hide the much desired guy from your best friend?"

"I just do, Kusoikawa."

"Again with the shortened insults!"

"Shitty Oikawa."

Tooru groans and let's himself fall down in front of Iwaizumi's crossed legs with a bounce and immediately Iwaizumi hits his face with a pillow. Tooru removes it and sings childishly, "It didn't hurt at all!" Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "You've hit me with harder stuff before, I've toughened up." The pride in his voice makes Iwaizumi laugh out loud.

Tooru smiles to himself. Making the serious Iwaizumi Hajime laugh and smile like that does make him proud. It also gives him _butterflies_ , so to speak.

Now Tooru is the one holding the fluffy pillow, and it smells _divine_ , in other words like Iwaizumi; so Tooru has no intention of giving it back.

"Remember that day Chibi-chan came to talk to me?" Tooru figures now is his turn in the 'catch up' game they're playing.

"Mhm, what'd he want?" Iwaizumi asks as he distractedly plays with Tooru's hair strands that are sprawled on the comforter.

"Some advice," Tooru decides it's rude to just out someone without their permission so he doesn't share more than that. "We've kinda been talking ever since."

"For real?"

"Yeah. Through text."

Iwaizumi genuinely looks surprised.

"What?" Tooru asks like he's offended but he's not really.

"I thought you couldn't stand them." Iwaizumi points out like he just told him the sky is blue.

"Well I can't!" even he knows he's lying at this point.

"Why would you keep in touch with him if you can't?" Iwaizumi lifts his brows and smirks like he has trapped him.

Tooru pouts. Iwaizumi has stopped playing with his hair. Tooru wishes he hasn't.

"No but seriously," Iwaizumi frowns, deep in thought, "why? You must have a reason."

Tooru shrugs and looks down at the pillow in his arms. "I don't," how can he tell Iwaizumi that they suddenly have something to talk about which is not volleyball, but in fact it's how gay they are for the teammates who complete them? He can't without confessing his feelings and outing Hinata. Maybe bringing this up wasn't a good idea.

"I don't believe you for one second but okay keep your secrets." Iwaizumi pouts. Tooru's eyes go wide and he barks out a laugh. It's not like Iwaizumi to meme but that was definitely a meme reference. "Are you sure talking to him doesn't hurt you?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. He's an adorable idiot, seems far too innocent, but he's actually a perv when he lets on. It's kinda fun."

"You tease the heck out of him, don't you?"

Tooru grins, which looks part sheepish part evil.

"Yeah, I knew a crappy guy like you cannot have a good reason behind casually talking to his nemesis,"

"You should believe in me more, Iwa-chan! And that Chibi orange slice is _not_ my nemesis!" Tooru scoffs, "As if he deserves that title!"

"But Ushiwaka does?" Iwaizumi teases.

Tooru gasps dramatically, "Don't mention that fugly you-know-who!"

Iwaizumi laughs. "Yeah I guess that's how a real nemesis should make you feel like." After a pause he asks, "What do you two talk about?"

"Just everyday stuff."

"Do you now?"

"Yup. Sometimes he asks for romantic advice and I don't know what the shit to say! He expected me to have more experience than that."

"Was he disappointed to know that you're actually a dork who just have admirers 'cause of your looks and pure luck and actually suck at keeping relationships?"

"No he was not disappointed to be honest," he smirks after a short pause, "and you just admitted I'm good looking."

"Is the sky blue? Is the day long? It's a known fact, Shittykawa, and I have eyes." The way he says it like no one can deny Tooru is pretty is cute.

"That's so nice, Iwa-chan, very rare coming from you!" he hides his pleasant blush behind his signature annoying grin.

He barely dodges a smack to the head.

"You better work on your temper Iwa-chan, it's so easy to irritate you," Tooru says cheerfully, which he knows rattles Iwaizumi even more.

"Only when it comes to your annoying ass, you crap," his scowl makes Tooru's grin go bigger.

They're quiet after that, so Iwaizumi gets up to bring a futon for Tooru to sleep on. After he lays it on the floor, Tooru spreads a blanket, folded in half, beside the futon on the floor and lies down on it; he pats the futon and looks up at Iwaizumi.

"Join me," he makes sure to give Iwaizumi his best smile and puppy dog eyes.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes but he does lie next to Tooru after turning the lights off. It's still pretty early, so that's what they do. They sit or lie down in the darkness, where they can share more dark secrets because no eye contact means no embarrassment, so no holding back. They play music too sometimes, but they enjoy the silence more. The back ground noise of the night, like the cars passing outside, the crickets and sometimes birds, makes the atmosphere more peaceful.

They're both staring at the ceiling, waiting for their eyes to adjust to the darkness. Tooru can feel Iwaizumi's body so close to him, he really wants to reach out and hold his hand, he really does. To the point where it hurts. He is not in any way touch starved, he can't be. But that's what it feels like is happening. The way he _aches_ for the warmth of a hug, or just a hand on him…

"What are you thinking about?" Iwaizumi whispers, like the darkness of the room somehow means he would wake someone up if he talks loudly. There's something about darkness, it always requires your respect, the peace will break if you're too loud.

"Incoherent thoughts, none makes sense," Tooru lies.

"Hmmm," Iwaizumi hums.

"What about you?"

"Just thinking what kinda demon possessed me when I admitted you're good looking."

Tooru giggles. "I thought you said it's something obvious?"

"It is, but that doesn't mean I should've told you, it only fattens your ego and god knows you don't need that."

"Hey! Don't be mean. Even _I_ need a boost of confidence from time to time." Tooru chides.

Iwaizumi rolls over so he's facing Tooru now. He's quiet for a moment before saying, "I know that, Oikawa. I'm just kidding, you know that don't you?"

Tooru turns his head to look at Iwaizumi's face; he's barely visible in the dark, but his eyes still shine and are easy to spot. "I know, Iwa-chan."

"Sometimes I worry you do believe it when I say these stuff,"

"Shouldn't I?"

"No," his instant answer makes Tooru blush. "I told you before; I know your face better than I know my own. I know it when you're faking the confidence and bravado. And it happens often, so yeah, I know you're not really an arrogant bastard."

"Gee, thanks." Tooru chuckles good-naturedly.

"So yeah, I always give you a confidence boost when I know you need it. And I always know."

Tooru might just start crying then and there. He stares at the ceiling again to control himself. Yeah, the darkness is always a good idea.

"Sometimes I wonder if I am as good of a friend to you as you are to me. I doubt that though, you're incomparable." He whispers, too low even for the darkness. Iwaizumi hears him anyway.

"Do you think I'd care so much about you if you weren't?" Iwaizumi scoffs, "I don't waste my time on assholes. So you better be sure that you are a good friend to me, so don't talk shit about yourself or I'll smack you."

"You always smack me anyway,"

"And you damn well deserve it every time!"

"Oh back to the meanie Iwa-chan aren't we,"

Iwaizumi grumbles and Tooru laughs.

Tooru is starting to feel warm. God, why his body reacts to Iwaizumi so fast? Waking up with a hard on is the last thing he needs!

"You didn't mention your boyfriend at all tonight, how are you two doing?" Iwaizumi opens a topic none of them like to talk about, but he couldn't avoid it, it would have been weird.

"My boyfriend…" Tooru echoes and narrows his eyes at the ceiling. "We're fine I guess."

"So you're okay? You get along well?"

"Yes, he's good."

"That's some weird shit to say about a guy you're dating."

"And why is that?!" Tooru exclaims, disturbing the darkness.

Iwaizumi only shrugs. "One just expects something like _he's a perfect kisser_ , or _he's a gentleman_ , _he's sexy and he rocks in bed_." He mimics like he actually finds it ridiculous.

"Just who do you socialize with?!" Tooru chirps. Then he wiggles a bit before saying, "Coming from a guy who doesn't give a fuck about this stuff."

"Well others seem to do, why don't you?"

That's a valid question.

"I do," he half lies.

"So?" Iwaizumi asks expectantly.

"He's fine at those too, I guess."

"You guess?" why is Iwa-chan asking so many questions tonight? He never cares about these stuff!

"Well, early stages of relationship and all, we haven't progressed that much yet."

"Am I asking too many questions?" he says in a hushed tone. Oh seems like Iwaizumi has noticed himself.

"I guess so, I mean not that I mind, it's just out of character for you."

"It's because you always share everything with me so I don't have to ask anything, but you're very quiet about him so I have to get it out of you myself and _this_ is what is out of character."

The silence stretches a few seconds longer for their liking.

"I never knew you cared about what I had to say…" his heart wants to jump out of his chest!

"That's because you're an idiot," Iwaizumi huffs.

"Well you don't make it that obvious, you know, Iwa-chan."

"No I don't, do I?" Iwaizumi whispers distractedly, staring into space.

It's weird that he's admitting this. Well, not that weird considering their situation right now. It's like it was built so people could just let it all out.

"Let's sleep?" Iwaizumi says between a yawn.

Ah, such a shame it's over so soon. Tooru was kinda enjoying this. It's better be over though, or else he'd admit more than he wants to… he'll regret it in the morning.

"Yeah, let's sleep," he finally replies, he hugs the pillow tight so Iwa-chan knows he's not getting it back for tonight. Iwaizumi doesn't complain, he just gets up to lie in his own bed and wraps himself in a blanket. Tooru does the same.

"Good night."

"Good night, Iwa-chan."

But none of them are sleepy yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! comments, reviews and kudos are appreciated :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay  
> it was hard for me to find a time where i could write without all English words escaping me :|
> 
> i've been reading english smuts for years now, but this is the first time i've written one myself! so go easy on me :D
> 
> Matsuhana smut ahead! skip if you're not interested

Takahiro straddles Issei's thighs and wraps his arms around his neck, forcing Issei to look up from his phone. Takahiro grins at Issei's raised eyebrows and glances at the phone he's been staring at for the last few minutes.

"Is anyone supposed to text you who hasn't? I'm here though, so who can that be!" Takahiro drawls.

"No not really…" Issei answers honestly and stares absentmindedly at Takahiro's chest.

"Then what?" Takahiro's starting to get curious.

"It's Oikawa,"

"Oh I get it!" Takahiro chuckles, "you've been giving him the cold shoulder since that day his boyfriend showed up at the gym, haven't you?"

"Well, yeah." Issei answers sheepishly.

"Wondering you should keep it up or not?" he looks very smug for being able to guess right.

"Why do you know me so well?" Issei looks amused, no matter how many times something like this happens where Takahiro reads him like an open book, he'll always be pleasantly surprised.

"Told you, I'm just smart like that," Takahiro makes a proud pose before getting serious again. "Don't hurt him by ignoring him though. I guess he needs our support, even if he never finds the courage to confess to Iwaizumi."

"Yeah…" Issei mumbles absentmindedly. Then he seems to make up his mind, does something on his phone then puts it away.

Takahiro grinds against him and murmurs, "good now pay attention to me."

Issei hums and starts mouthing at Takahiro's pale neck, his hands slowly snaking up Takahiro's ass. He starts slow, but then suddenly bites down on his neck and grips his butt cheeks tightly. Takahiro jumps up and moans, he cranes his neck to give Issei more room, which Issei doesn't disappoint and starts napping at any spot he can reach. Takahiro grins happily and starts grinding again, moving his body in a way he knows incredibly turns his boyfriend on. His Thor-like voice is making his moans sound ten times better; he knows Issei can't resist them.

Issei starts pulling at the hem of the thin t-shirt Takahiro is wearing, so he gets the hint and pulls back to take it off. He immediately starts kissing Issei so fast like that one second of separation was too much. Issei grunts and slides his hands under Takahiro's boxers, squeezing the smooth flesh there, enjoying the little noises he's making.

"Cute," Issei whispers between kisses. Takahiro's blush reaches his neck. The tips of his ears are red too, it makes Issei want to say 'cute' again.

"Oh just shut it," Takahiro scuffs, "and fuck me."

"Already at it," Issei smirks and reaches behind his pillow to grab what they need. They always put condoms and lube there for easy access (better safe than sorry; like this they won't have the excuse of being too lazy to get the stuff.) "How do you want me?"

"Like this," Takahiro answers and bites his bottom lip, but then he brightens when Issei nods. "Ah, I would blow you!"

"No one's stopping you babe," Issei says cheekily and starts taking off his pants. Takahiro rolls his eyes but as soon as Issei's dick is free, he bends down to lick the tip.

Issei hisses, and starts stroking Takahiro's pink hair, stopping himself from pushing him down (Hiro is being a little shit as always and _won't stop teasing_!) Takahiro giggles while giving the length kitten licks; Issei tries to give him a death glare but fails.

"Now look who's cute…" Takahiro says before taking the whole thing in his mouth. Issei twitches _hard_ and moans in surprise. _Oh this is_ heavenly…

But before Issei can get enough of that wet and perfectly hot mouth, Takahiro is pulling back, ignoring Issei's protests, and picks the condom up. Issei watches him work and knowing something better is coming he waits quietly. Takahiro stands on his knees, coats two fingers in lube and reaches back to prepare himself.

"Oh fuck," Issei's mouth waters as he watches Takahiro push a finger inside his butthole, closing his eyes and whimpering. The tiny cute noises escaping him go straight to Issei's dick. He starts touching Takahiro's hips feather-light, and finds himself praising him. "That's my baby, so gorgeous. Look at you,"

Takahiro opens his eyes half-way, and tries to glare at him through his pale lashes, but all he can do is to smile lovingly and blush even more. He licks his lips and moves his fingers around to find his sweet spot, and when he finally does Issei can see it clearly. The way his moans get loader and his eyes roll back into his head, his neck arched back and lips parted. _God, so sexy._

"How much longer do you want make me wait, babe?" Issei grabs Takahiro by the hips and pulls him forward hard, making him groan in shock when his fingers slip out.

"C-can't wait any longer myself," Takahiro grunts out, and grabs Issei's dick to place it on his own hole. After the tip is in, he takes a deap breath before bending his knees and sitting until his ass is touching Issei's thighs.

Issei wiggles around a little when his dick is fully inside Takahiro's body; he's barely stopping himself from thrusting up. He moans when Takahiro finally starts moving his hips in a circle, supporting himself by putting his on Issei's chest. Takahiro is usually faster than this; Issei doesn't know what's taking him so long! He's losing his damn mind!

"Hiro, come on! Move, please!" he groans, fingers digging into Takahiro's thighs so hard, obviously leaving marks.

Takahiro smirks, and if he wasn't so damn beautiful Issei could have been a little mad, but he is, and he is bouncing on Issei's dick right now, so Issei shuts up and takes it. Takahiro moves around and changes his pose looking for the right angle; but Issei knows exactly how to find it. He wraps his arms around Takahiro and pulls him close until Takahiro's cheek is resting on his shoulder (he loses focus for a second when Takahiro's hot breathe and moans hit his ear), then starts thrusting up in the exact right way he knows his pink haired boyfriend needs.

Takahiro moans happily, "yes! Yes _right there_ , Issei… oh!"

Issei's smirk falls in an open mouthed groan when Takahiro's walls tighten around his dick. He goes still and lets Takahiro take the lead. Takahiro is happy and irritated at the same time. So he speeds up and attacks Issei's chest and neck with his mouth; leaving red marks and bruises. Issei feels like he's gonna drop dead then there. Breathing is _hard_!

Issei feels like the pushing and pulling has been going on for hours, and yet he doesn't want it to end. All he can feel is Hiro's scent, and his body heat, and his taste, so he really can't hold it in anymore. He tries to grab for Takahiro's dick, so they can come together, but before he can touch it his hand is filled with warm cum. Takahiro moans loudly and goes tense _and holy shit he just came untouched!_

That's the last blow for Issei, and the next second he's coming hard in the condom. He hisses when Takahiro bites down on his shoulder to muffle his noises. It hurts but god does he love it.

"Shhh, quiet down!"

"Oh shut it Issei, you _know_ no one can hear us."

"Let's go shower, we need to clean up."

"Hmmm 'M too lazy…"

"Together."

"Oh?"

"I'll suck you off."

"I'm in."

*******

**< <[Don't Let It Break Your Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhjCkwFMb_Q)**

**< <[Neon Gravestones](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MeQ9rA2Ifg)**

**< <[Hall of Fame](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk48xRzuNvA)**

Tooru looks at his messages and smiles softly. Mattsun is right on time; He has send Tooru another three songs, and all of them fill him with hope.

_Life gets hard and it gets messed up  
When you give so much, but it's not enough  
When the high's too high, and the low's too low  
When you love someone and they let you go_

_Don't you let it kill you  
Even when it hurts like hell  
Oh, whatever tears you apart  
Don't let it break your heart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't you think that Oikawa REALLY needs to hear hall of fame? (ಥ ͜ʖಥ)
> 
> if you have any motivation and suicide prevention songs to recommend, i'll be glad because i'm running out :D


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out this GORGEOUS art my dear Anya made for chapter 4! [ Link ](https://s17.picofile.com/file/8414012992/The_Eccedentesiast_CH4_by_world_of_art4ever.bmp)  
> she just started [ her Instagram ](https://www.instagram.com/world_of_art4ever/) make sure to give her a lot of support from me ;) (also i linked the art in CH4 itself i just wanted the people who don't look back see it too lol)

"Senpai?"

"Who's senpai?"

"Tooru?"

"Yes, Yukki-chan?"

Yukki chuckles. "So," he drawls, "when are you gonna finish texting?"

Tooru, who's been leaning against Yukki's chest, stops texting Hinata for a moment to say, "In a couple of minutes. He just started talking and I couldn't tell him to go away. Sorry."

Yukki sighs. "Who?"

"Just a first year volleyball maniac from Karasuno," Tooru answers absentmindedly.

"Oh okay. You have friends from Karasuno?"

"Why are you so shocked?" Tooru asks loudly.

"I don't know," Yukki giggles. "You don't seem like the type who would befriend the enemy."

"Damn right I'm not,"

"Um, then what is this?"

"I wouldn't exactly call him my friend…"

"So you're ignoring your boyfriend for a stranger?!" Yukki chides.

Tooru shrugs. "That's the polite thing to do."

"You're such a little shit."

"Hey!"

They slap each other's hands playfully for a few seconds before stopping and smiling. Tooru finally says goodbye to Hinata and promises to text him later. Yukki has invited him over so it wasn't nice of him to just sit there on his phone all this time (they gave Yukki's mom the same excuse, that Tooru is helping him study. But mostly all they do is cuddle and talk.)

"There you go; you've got all my attention now." Tooru says suggestively and wiggles his eyebrows.

"You look at me like I'm supposed to do something big. Are you trying to make me prefer the time you didn't focus on me?"

Tooru snickers. "I would never."

"Okay, okay, I'll just ask you what I've been wanting to ask since we met."

"Alright go ahead,"

"So you said no guy has ever asked you out. That means I'm your first boyfriend?"

"Yeah that's true," Tooru nods.

"But you're gay?" Yukki asks slowly.

"Yes?" Tooru's answer seems more like a question. Yukki hums in respond. Tooru returns the question; "you're gay too? I mean, not bi or anything else?"

"Nah I'm gay." Yukki snorts after he thinks for a second, "I haven't dated anyone since my first boyfriend either, but someone did ask me out."

"How'd it go?" from Yukki's amused face Tooru knows he's got a story to tell.

"You wouldn't believe what he said. Okay so get this; this guy just approaches me and asks me out on a date, right? And I thought well okay why not, I can give it a shot. So I said yes. But then he says but I gotta warn you: I'm bi. And I didn't get why that was a warning? And I really don't care about my partner's sexuality, so I said okay fine. He says you do know that's twice the chance you'll get cheated on right? You sure you're okay with that?"

"He did _not_ say that!" Tooru exclaims and spins to look at Yukki with wide eyes. Yukki nods excitedly.

"He did! And I was so shocked, stuck between sadness and anger. Poor thing was convinced bisexuals just want to do it with every moving being they see even though he was bi himself so I kinda pitied him. But also I was angry he just insulted bisexuals like that,"

"What did you say?" Tooru asks and and muffles his laughter behind his palm.

"I said _well if you can't trust yourself then I obviously can't trust you either and that don't have anything with you being bi, bye_."

"Damn, Yukki-Chan that's badass!" Tooru snickers and shows him a thumbs up.

"Thank you, I'm still proud of myself for it to this day."

After a quiet moment Yukki speaks up again; "you did have a girlfriend right?"

"Yeah I did,"

"Wasn't it uncomfortable for you?"

"No not really. I did try to avoid touching her too much though."

Yukki snorts out a laugh, "what was the point of having a girlfriend then?"

Tooru sighs. "Being the popular athlete in the school has this kind of shit, you know? If I stayed single the whole time people would talk. And I'm not just talking about gay rumors."

Yukki nods in understanding. "Yeah, keeping appearances. But didn't she get suspicious?"

"I did try my best to keep her happy!" Tooru groans, "But it was hard. She made me touch her boobs once, and she kept asking why I didn't want to do it again!"

Yukki laughs out loud. "Oh my god Tooru!" after he calms down and dodges Tooru trying to pinch him a few times, he says, "but why didn't you want to touch her in the boobs again? I mean they don't turn me on at all, but they're still very cute and squishy-looking."

"Ugh, I just didn't like it. And when I tell the story it's highly exaggerated. For the appearances you know?"

"Did you tell everyone about it?" Yukki teases.

"Hell no, only my best friend," Tooru tsks.

"What did you tell her when she asked you why you didn't want to touch her again?" oh seems like Yukki doesn't want to let it go!

"I would just come up with some beautiful words saying it's because I don't want her to think that's why I want to be with her. And she was either too shy or too polite to say that's the reason she wants to be with me."

"Goddammit, Tooru!" Yukki practically guffaws. Tooru sighs and pretends he's annoyed about it, even though the smile on his lips say otherwise. Yukki's laugh is very adorable; Tooru can't bring himself to hate it.

_Traitor._

Making him laugh feels nice.

 _Traitor_.

Tooru frowns at the thoughts circling around his head. He tries to shake them away.

Yukki kisses Tooru's ear softly. Tooru might not admit it but he really likes being the little spoon.

_Disgusting cheater._

A chill runs through Tooru's body, he barely stops a visible shiver (Yukki might feel it.) he likes Yukki, doesn't he? But he's not the one he loves. His heart doesn't belong to Yukki. His soul is Iwaizumi's.

Yukki kisses his neck softly, just a small peck. But it really feels nice, it calms him.

_My body is with someone, but my soul is with someone else._

Even with those thoughts spinning around in his head, Yukki's touch warms him and his heart doesn't ache as much as it always does. It feels good. It's soothing. He's not gonna stop.

_You're disgusting._

He drags the blade harshly across his skin and growls. He ignores the blood and the pain and makes another angry cut.

_My body was with someone, my soul with someone else._

He's using force, and the blade is too sharp. It cuts too deep. _I deserve it._

_You're a cheater. You're cheating on both of them._

The sight is beautiful. Bloody and bruised and…red. It burns.

_You're not staying true to your feelings for Iwaizumi. And you claim you're in love? Absolutely disgusting._

_If Yukki knew your soul was with someone else when you were in_ his _arms, he would have thrown you away._

He cuts three uneven lines to make them look like an H. H for Hajime. There is a scarlet H on his left thigh now, among all the other messy lines. But it's so obvious, it'd be impossible to miss.

_My body was with someone, my soul with someone else._

_I'm disgusting. I don't deserve any of them._


	20. Chapter 20

Tooru had to bandage his legs for the first time.

They're not that bad, the wounds don't bleed. But he felt very uncomfortable and also very painful when his shorts brushed against them. So he just wrapped a bandage around his sighs to feel better; he really doesn't need the reminder.

He pulled Yahaba out and dragged him to a corner at some point that day, to talk to him about Kyoutani, told him he knows Kyouken-chan likes him back and would encourage him to date him. Yahaba was flustered to have been caught like that, but he did appreciate the help. Now another two of his teammates are gonna get together while Tooru just keeps pining.

Tooru gazes out from his open window and takes a deep breath of the cool and rainy air. This kind of weather takes him places, but not necessarily bad ones, he just really loves this mindset. He closes his eyes and listens to the quiet _pit pat_ of the dazzling rain completely calm, unlike last night…

He just has to deal with what he's done, right? He can only punish himself once. That was enough and now, even though the self-loathing still lingers, he doesn't give it much thought.

_Buzz, buzz._

The sound of his phone pulls him out of his thoughts, and he turns around and walks away from the window to pick up his phone from the bed. He frowns when he sees Iwaizumi's name. He doesn't know why, but he feels like this isn't a call for pleasantries.

"Hello?" he answers, trying to sound unconcerned.

"Hi," Iwaizumi's voice is soft, too soft which makes it hard to hear over the sound of cars and the rush of wind… wait, he's not home? But it's almost 11 pm!

"How are you Iwa-chan?" Tooru asks and makes sure the smile is audible in his voice.

"Well…could be better."

Ok, Tooru can't pretend he doesn't sense his bad mood anymore.

"Are you…where are you?" his voice suddenly turns serious and Iwaizumi sighs.

"Out. Was feeling like taking a walk…"

Tooru pauses for a moment before making up his mind, and says, "Where are you? Let me join you."

Iwaizumi hesitates, but tells him where he is and Tooru realizes it's one of the deserted parts of the town. He changes into his jeans, puts his leather jacket over his hoody, after picking up his wallet and keys he grabs an umbrella and rushes out of the house before his parents can question him.

Tooru practically runs all the way to Iwaizumi. He hopes he'd still be there when he arrives. Because what if Iwaizumi just decides he doesn't want to face Tooru and leaves the place Tooru has the address for?

But when he scans the area with his eyes, he notices Iwaizumi's unmistakable spiky hair from behind and sighs in relief. He waits a moment to catch his breath before slightly speeding up to catch up with him. He reaches out and gently places a hand on Iwaizumi's shoulder.

"Hey," he says with a smile.

Iwaizumi stops walking and his eyes widen when he turns his head to see Tooru. "You…you actually came!"

Tooru tilts his head. "I told you I will, didn't I?"

"You're totally crazy, you know that?" his words lack any actual bite; his affectionate smile would give him away anyway.

Tooru takes a moment to check Iwaizumi out; since he doesn't have an umbrella with him his hair and shoulders shine with rain drops, his hands are buried in his coat pockets, obviously cold judging from his red nose.

And red rimmed eyes.

Tooru's best guess is he's been crying… or his eyes are red from the effort of holding back tears.

Iwaizumi sighs and shakes his head, knowing exactly what Tooru's sharp eyes are doing. He knows there's no hope for him to hide his distress from Tooru, that damn champ can read someone he's just met like an open book, now let alone his best friend whom he's known all his life. Iwaizumi starts walking again and Tooru walks with him shoulder to shoulder.

"Iwa-chan… do you-do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" Tooru mumbles, he doesn't want to push but he knows Iwaizumi won't say anything if Tooru doesn't poke a little bit.

Iwaizumi hums. "Why'd you think something is wrong?"

Tooru pops the umbrella open and holds it for both of them, looking at Iwaizumi skeptically. "I don't know, so you just felt like a nice, long walk around town at almost midnight, while it rains, without an umbrella?"

Iwaizumi chuckles, "yeah sorry, stupid of me to even try to pretend,"

"Yes." Tooru says while making the smug face Iwaizumi hates. Iwaizumi bumps his shoulder and grumbles. "No seriously Iwa-chan, talk to me."

Iwaizumi's gaze drops to the ground, eying their synced pacing like it's something fascinating- which is not, he's really just trying to avoid Tooru's eyes for some reason. Maybe he doesn't want Tooru to read him too easily (oh oops, he just did!)

"It's my dad…again" Iwaizumi finally starts. "You know I work for him when I'm not at school, right?"

Tooru nods to show Iwaizumi that he knows and he's listening.

"Well, he's a dick who hates me." He sighs, blinking rapidly. "He doesn't pay in time, and never enough. I do all the work and I almost get nothing. And he…well, he always finds a way to shit on me. I just…wanted out. Couldn't stay home."

"Did you…did you have a fight?" Tooru swallows and asks slowly.

Iwaizumi snorts. "Yeah, but is this really news?"

Tooru narrows his eye and thinks about times in the past when Iwaizumi had mentioned his dad. "No," he decides. "I remember you told me you punched him in the face for trying to hit your mother."

Iwaizumi laughs humorlessly. "One of my best life choices. Still proud of it. He hasn't dared to raise his hands on my mom again."

Tooru smiles softly. His own parents have always been supportive, they still are. But they are wealthy, at least wealthier than many of his other friends. It was painful for him to watch his twelve-year-old best friend having to collect his own money for his volleyball gear because his dad was just an unsupportive jerk who refused to buy the stuff for his kid. But Iwaizumi never gave up, he's always been independent and Tooru absolutely adores him for that.

"I'm proud of you for that too," he says before he can stop himself. Iwaizumi shoots him an amused look. Before Tooru can worry about saying the wrong thing, Iwaizumi's lips start quirking up into a small smile and Tooru has to stop himself from sighing in relief.

"Thanks," Iwaizumi says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Really though, thanks. You didn't have to come out in this cold and at this time." He suddenly looks very vulnerable, wrapping his arms around himself and staring ahead with a devastated look in his sad green eyes.

Tooru touches Iwaizumi's hand with his own free one; it's very cold so he covers it completely. "This is the least I could do. No need to thank me. You'd do the same for me." His heart stutters in embarrassment, but he knows what he said is true so he doesn't try to backtrack.

Iwaizumi looks at Tooru's hand, then at his face, and smiles a little. He blurts out a choked "yeah" and pats the back of Tooru's hand before dropping it again.

For a while they just walk. All Tooru can do is to keep him company and make sure he doesn't feel alone. He doesn't know what else to do. The only one who can save Iwaizumi is Iwaizumi himself, so Tooru's job here is to make sure Iwaizumi has the strength to do so. To go on. And if just being there for him is all he has to do, he will do just that.

His whole body aches for his Iwa-chan. But he doesn't know what to do or say about it, the love of his life is in pain goddammit! This hurts more than the cruel sharpness of a blade on his skin.

But before he can figure anything out, Iwaizumi fishes his phone out of his pocket to check the time and says with a sigh, "it's really late, past midnight. We better get back."

Past midnight? They've been out this long?!

Tooru inhales sharply and turns to face Iwaizumi before saying, "you could come home with me." Iwaizumi's eyes widen so he adds quickly: "I mean only if you wanted to."

Iwaizumi looks like he really likes the idea, but after thinking about it for a few seconds he shakes his head. "No, there's no need." He's not looking at Tooru's face.

"Really, you can come if you don't want to face your family yet." Tooru insists.

"You know I can't. We have school tomorrow and I don't have my stuff." Iwaizumi tries to refuse half-heartedly. It seems like he's trying to come up with excuses to convince himself more than Tooru.

"We'll get up super early to go get them then!" Tooru bounces on the balls of his feet. "I get up early for my morning run anyway. Would it be harder than going home now?"

Iwaizumi watches him approvingly with a big grin. "No, it won't be."

"Great! Then we're going to mine!" Tooru holds his hand out for Iwaizumi, Iwaizumi looks at it with a softer smile before taking it in his own cold one.

They start half jogging and half walking, laughing when they stumble, trying to stay under the umbrella.

This time, they both enjoy the calming smell of rain and the soft sound of the water drops hitting the umbrella and the ground around them.

When they arrive, the house is dark and quiet, everyone seem to be asleep. So they let themselves in silently and slowly make a bee line for Tooru's room. Both sigh when engulfed in the warm air. They get out of their wet clothes without wasting any time, Tooru careful Iwaizumi wouldn't notice the bandages around his thighs. He lends Iwaizumi a pair of his warmest pajamas that has tiny UFOs on it and grins when he gives him a playful glare.

Tooru sits on the bed and quickly wraps the blanket around himself while holding one side open and gesturing for Iwaizumi to join. Iwaizumi raises his eyebrows at Tooru questioningly.

"Come on, sharing body heat. You're cold as fuck."

"Alright, alright," Iwaizumi lifts his hands in surrender before sitting next to Tooru and letting him wrap his arms around him.

"Damn you're really cold!" Tooru exclaims and sniggers when Iwaizumi tries to hide his blush.

Sometimes Tooru gets like this, like he has no fear, and Iwaizumi is not that untouchable face he's depressed over, and just teases him like the best friends they are. So he grabs Iwaizumi's hand and places it on his own neck with a smug smirk.

"What…"

"Shhh let it warm up."

Tooru grins and winks at a very flustered Iwaizumi-who doesn't remove his hand despite everything. His cold and rough hand sends shivers down Tooru's spine but he smothers them.

The smooth, pale skin of Oikawa's neck is soft and warm under his hand he can't stop himself from moving his thumb in a circle over a small spot. This time Oikawa shivers and says between giggles, "it tickles!"

Maybe this is too intimate, but none of them really cares. They're that kind of friends that don't even call each other by their given names, so this…

Hajime smiles. It really doesn't matter. They don't have to fit in any social category; this here is special and only belongs to them. So he closes his eyes and lets the heat radiating from Oikawa's firm body calm him. Slowly the exhaustion creeps up on him and he feels the darkness drown him in, finally giving in to sleep with his head on Oikawa's shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slowly hands you Iwaoi fluff* forgive me?


End file.
